Random musings of a pastor's wife

martha

2012-02-05T11:04:00.000-08:00

We had the reading about Martha and Mary today. I drifted off into my own little thought bubble...
Martha was probably the older sister, and as the oldest female in the household, the responsibility for caring for others would have largely fallen to her. This still happens today.
It struck me for the first time there is a surprising contradiction between Martha the practical, the organized and the Martha who has to spend all her time getting the food ready while guests are present. Surely if she'd planned to invite Jesus, she'd have had something prepared? So her invitation was probably a spur of the moment thing. I wonder if the conversation went something like this:
M: So, Jesus, would you like to come back to our house and have a bite to eat?
J: That's very kind of you. We'd all love to come...
M (thinks): aaargh! I thought I was just inviting Jesus! It's too embarrassing to try to explain. I'll just have to do the best I can. But what on earth can I give them? I've got an extra 12 mouths to feed and it's not as if I can just nip out to the supermarket or get a takeaway...

off God...

2012-02-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

Not posted for a while, partially due to other things (being busy and then a week's holiday), but mostly because I'm having an "off God" spell.
During such spells I still talk to God, but it goes under the classification of 'muttering at God' (MAG for short) rather than prayer. The whole point of MaGs is to allow me to delude myself into thinking I'm still communicating with God, while simultaneously ignoring Him.
You mean you've never heard one of those conversations where both people take it in turns to talk, but neither actually listens to what the other is saying? Although, presumably God still listens to my drivel...
Why am I off God? Partly it's just the way I am - I tend to go through cycles of being very intense and then not being particularly bothered. And, partly, I suspect, because I'm working on my current module: the Pentateuch. It has to be said that on just reading it all straight through, God really does not come out of it very well. I think 'genocidal megalomaniac' was the phrase MrPM used... There are bits where God does appear to be a kid having a tantrum who is going to take his ball home if he doesn't get his way ;-)

So what do I do about it? Being aware of it is a start. I'm arranging to meet up with a friend to pray (a proper pray involving vulnerability and listening to God) - not that I want to, but I know I need to. Said friend knows me well enough to hold me to account and not let me get away with stuff. And then, I go and read some fiction to get back to focussing on Jesus - probably the Penelope Wilcock 'The Hawk and the Dove' trilogy. Or the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Both still makes me cry, despite having read them loads of times.

Very random

2012-01-01T06:38:00.000-08:00

Church this morning got me thinking. It was a slightly strange mix of carols (for which I was responsible - after all, I was playing the piano, so I got to choose the music!) and the great commandment: to love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul and all your strength, and your neighbour as yourself.
A strange juxtaposition took place. 'If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb' gave me an image of a cute, freshly washed and blow-dried (hence extremely white and fluffy) lamb being presented to Jesus. But what if the only lamb available were lame, one-eyed and rather bedraggled? Would you still give a lamb? Or would you keep away, knowing what a pathetic specimen it was? Would you go empty-handed? Or frantically try to find something else to take instead?*
But we weren't talking about giving lambs. We were talking about love. About heart, soul, mind and strength. Somehow I had an equivalent of the whiter-than-white fluffy lamb in my mind. A pure heart, an unfettered soul, a mind fixed on God and strength which endures. Except I don't have that. I have a heart which has been scarred, a soul which is tattered, a mind which remembers the times it seems God has let me down, and strength which has almost disappeared. So do I give my lame, one-eyed, bedraggled lamb as a present? Or do I stay away, ashamed of what I have to give? At the minute I seem to be hunting around so I can take the equivalent of an unwanted knitted jumper that was the wrong size for me so never worn, but it looks nice so I can pretend there was some thought behind it...

* this may be a female instinct to not turn up empty-handed (it certainly seems to be in our house)

another favourite carol

2011-12-20T04:18:00.000-08:00

Another carol I like, that I don't hear very often

sand art

2011-12-18T13:33:00.000-08:00

This was part of our candlelight service tonight.

knight in shining armour

2011-12-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

Earlier in the week I was due to go to the Pantomime with the Guides and other Leaders. They'd organised hire of 2 minibuses to transport us all there and back. I was first to arrive at the meeting point. No sign of any minibuses waiting for us - they are usually outside ready for pick-up. I started to wonder if I was in the right place. Then another Guider arrived, so I felt a bit better... until she said 'Where are the minibuses?'
Off she went to get the keys, only to come back saying we only had one minibus (which was hiding round the back) as the other had an electrical fault. PANIC! How were we going to get the other 14 Guides to the panto? I had my car, another Guider had her car, a parent who was going was happy to take some girls, but that still left us a few spaces short. A quick phone call to mrPM and he agreed to be our knight in shining armour and take the remaining Guides.
He did get to see the panto (first he's been to in years) so there was some recompense for missing his tea (although I did give him a choccy biscuit at the interval).
Another step in my masterplan of turning mrPM into an honorary Guider ;-)

What a good idea...

2011-12-12T07:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we had a party. Not a Christmas party, just a 'get to know the neighbours' sort of get-together. We had the added incentive of MrPM's home-baking* to encourage people to come.
At 2.15 MrPM was worried. "What if no-one comes? We'll never eat all this ourselves," he said. ("I'm sure I could have a good try" I thought...)
By 3pm we had 10 adults and 6 kids plus mrPM and me, all tucking in to baking and conversation.
"What a good idea" people said, especially those who'd just moved in to the new houses across the road.
"What a good idea" people said as we found out who lived 2 doors away.
And the doors between our sitting room and kitchen got alot of comment too.
"What a good idea" said the people in our row, whose houses are either identical to ours or the mirror-image of ours. They'd all liked this feature in the show-home, but the builders had decided to take it out when they built our row of houses. It seems mrPM and I were the only ones who had asked if it were possible to get such a door put in when they were building the house. It cost us a bit extra, but we wanted the circulating space.
"What a good idea," mrPM thought after everyone had gone, and all the toys had been tidied up (apart from one piece of Jenga which remains missing...), "we've got the neighbours talking to each other."
"What a good idea," I thought, looking at all the baking still to be eaten... ;-)

* lemon dribble cake, cider honey cake, orange biscuits, brownies, lemon slices and chocolate almond macaroons

carols

2011-12-09T12:29:00.000-08:00

MrPM thinks only advent carols should be sung before Christmas. While I understand the sentiment, it does only leave 12 days to get all the Christmas carols in to, which isn't very long. So I'm waiting until he's not around, then playing my carol CDs to get in the mood for Christmas...

Here is one of my favourite carols - I sang it in choir when I was at school, then a group of us from our last church sang it a few years ago as a special Christmas item. It still gives me goosebumps.

Bethlehem Down

new songs for old

2011-11-28T05:56:00.000-08:00

I've just realised I'm getting old.
I've just received my copy of Songs of Fellowship 5 (music version) and was looking through it. The first thing that struck me is how many of the songs are actually old (and still fairly well-known hymns) which have been 'tweaked' ever so slightly. It appears that by adding an extra line or two, you can then re-copyright the song and get royalties for it.
So I found myself muttering that the old tunes were fine and didn't need anyone mucking around with them.
This is actually rather hypocritical as I occasionally come up with new versions of tunes for well-known hymns myself ;-)

However, when I got to 'Immortal invisible, God only wise' I spluttered to a halt. Why?
Because the first verse goes:
Immortal, invisible, God only wise,
In light inacessible hid from our eyes.
Most blessed, most glorious, the ancient of days,
Almighty, victorious, thy great name we praise.

But the chorus that's been added basically says 'there is none like you, Jesus'

Jesus immortal? Well, that has to be a yes and no.
Invisible? Hidden? Inacessible?

Like I said, I'm getting old and nitpicky

essay

2011-11-11T06:32:00.000-08:00

I've finally finished reading Jesus and the Victory of God by NT Wright. It was good, but didn't half take some getting through (all 700+ pages of it). So now I'm deep in other stuff, all so I can write an essay about the resurrection.
I thought it would be easy - believing the resurrection happened was (and still is) the cornerstone of my faith. I'm with St Paul on this one - if the resurrection didn't happen, then we are to be pitied. Not necessarily for still being dead in our sins, but for being complete idiots. The more I read, the more I realise what a stupid idea Jesus being physically resurrected from the dead is. Surely ANYTHING has to be a more sensible explanation than that?

So far the alternative explanations I've come across are:
1) Jesus wasn't crucified. That's the Muslim view - that Jesus was assumed directly into heaven (cf Elijah, Enoch) and someone else was crucified instead. God simply would not let one of His messengers get treated so disgracefully.
2) Jesus didn't really die, he revived in the tomb. The problem with the 'swoon' theory is that firstly Romans were pretty good at killing people - they had had alot of practice crucifying people - and secondly how would an almost dead Jesus convince his disciples that he was the Lord of life? I've seen people with major blood loss, and they don't exactly look bursting with health.
3) Jesus did die, but his body was tossed into an unmarked communal grave. It explains why the tomb was empty (no body there in the first place) and also why the body couldn't be produced. But it has to be combined with something else to explain why the disciples suddenly started preaching resurrection.
4) Someone stole or moved the body - Joseph of Arimethea, the disciples, the authorities - take your pick! Again, it explains an empty tomb, but not preaching resurrection.
5) some sort of hallucination/ vision. In this version, saying Jesus is risen means "I've had an experience of Jesus and he's still with me" and no physical resurrection is involved. Or it was a bereavement phenomenon. Stories about the empty tomb were later fabrications.
6) a combination of 5 AND either 3 or 4

NT Wright was really helpful in explaining that at the time Jesus lived, there was belief in a bodily resurrection of all the righteous at the end of time. Ongoing existence of the soul was not called resurrection. And there was no hint that any one individual would be resurrected before the general resurrection. So if that's the case, why would anyone interpret a vision as meaning Jesus was resurrected? Other visions in the Bible don't get interpreted like that, they are understood to be visions, and accepted as such. Similarly, when Rhoda opens the door to Peter after he gets out of prison, she doesn't conclude he's been resurrected, she thinks he's a ghost.

There is an unspoken imperialistic strand in alot of what I've been reading: "In our modern scientific age, of course we know better than to believe such stupid things. They were uneducated and lived in premodern conditions and therefore naturally believed all sorts of outdated things". Except, according to the gospels, seeing the empty tomb didn't make any one think Jesus had risen. They thought someone had stolen the body, or moved it elsewhere. When Jesus appears to them, he does things to prove he's not a ghost. Which to me, suggests that the disciples (including the women) knew that dead people stay dead.

Of course, you then get in to the whole question of how reliable are the gospels, when were they written, how much is hearsay etc etc etc
But alot of that discussion depends on presuppositions as to what is 'reasonable' and what isn't. As does the disussion about the resurrection. Ultimately it boils down to whether you think that if there is a God they might intervene in the affairs of the universe on occasion (ie perform a miracle). If you do, then the resurrection is more plausible than the alternative explanations. If you don't, then even being there yourself as an eyewitness at the actual moment of resurrection wouldn't convince you.

Any thoughts gratefully received (especially if you don't agree with me - just keep them polite ;-) )

quick joke

2011-10-28T14:55:00.000-07:00

Not posted for ages as been away alot and busy. One of things I was away at was a pastors' spouses get-together, when the following joke was told, to sounds of rueful agreement....

What's the difference between a pastor's spouse and a wheelie-bin?

The wheelie-bin gets taken out once a fortnight....

the parable of the whirligig

2011-09-22T02:10:00.000-07:00

Once a man put up a whirligig in his back garden. He watched to see which part of the garden got the most sun exposure, and duly inserted the whirligig spike into the garden as directed. All went well for a few months. Then he noticed the whirligig was leaning rather too much to one side. On further investigation, this was due to the hole the spike had made becoming larger. So he did a temporary repair by putting a small bit of wood in the hole. This worked until a few rainfalls later, when the hole enlarged again. After several such temporary fixes, he decided something more definite was needed, as despite all the bits of wood, the whirligig was still leaning rather badly. So off he went to the local superstore to get some magic concretey-stuff to cement the spike into place. "That'll fix it" he thought. Unfortunately, the next time he hung the washing out, it was rather windy. And it got even windier. The next time he looked out of the window, not only was it raining, but the whole whirligig had parted company with the earth, a perfect block of concrete still around the spike...

I'm sure there's a parable in here somewhere ;-)
MrPM has now reconcreted our whirligig. Hopefully it won't come out of the ground again.

PS a whirligig is an outdoor rotary clothes line

back again

2011-09-15T06:41:00.000-07:00

Things got quite busy for a while, what with having visitors and two Guide camps on successive weekends (don't think I will make that mistake again!), so no blogging.
Now it's back to more usual life, so I am busy doing some more apologetics - next essay is about proof for the resurrection. I though it wouldn't be too difficult, after all, it's why I became a Christian in the first place: I couldn't come up with a more convincing alternative explanation of what had happened to Jesus' body; therefore I had to believe the resurrection had happened; therefore I had to take Jesus seriously; therefore I had to believe in God....
At present I am plowing through The Resurrection of the Son of God by NT Wright. I suspect the information I really need is near the end of the book, but it's only going to make sense if I read the rest first. I've made it to page 360, which is about halfway :-( I'm finding it very interesting, but it does take a bit of wading through. It's much less entertaining for mrPM though - with some of the other books I've read, there have been regular explosions of 'Rubbish!' (no, that's not the actual word I used - any readers who know me in the flesh will know exactly which word it replaces) from the settee. It's going to be quite difficult to write an essay taking some of these views seriously...

pastorate

2011-08-09T01:58:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know something of the saga, mrPM has had his meeting with the "high heid-yins" and they've given him the go-ahead to think about going back into pastorate. This did come with the proviso that he shouldn't be in too much of a hurry to get back...
Fair enough, we thought. We weren't in a huge hurry - we have no idea what God wants us to do, and we're also much more wary than we were before, but it was good to have mrPM's calling reconfirmed.

apologetics

2011-08-04T07:33:00.000-07:00

I've been busy reading in preparation for my next essay, which is on apologetics. The actual title is very long and rather woolly, but basically it comes down to what is apologetics? and how would you prioritize different things within it?

I've really enjoyed reading "Humble Apologetics" by Stackhouse, so much friendler in tone than many apologetics books. He has a rather tongue-in-cheek definition of apologetics as 'making the other person sorry they asked why you were a Christian'. ;-)
I hope I don't do that, but I suspect I do fit another definition Stackhouse had: 'explaining why you're sorry you're a Christian'....

So any other ideas for what apologetics means or involves?

update

2011-07-26T03:10:00.000-07:00

We had a good time on holiday, including amazing weather for our trip to St Kilda. I'll post some photos once I've remembered how to do it...
Dad's op went well and his follow-up scan was OK
I finally got my work appraisal sorted and it's all over and done with (caused HUGE amounts of stress)
So things are going much better.

I suppose I should start thinking about my apologetics essays...

back briefly

2011-06-28T04:12:00.000-07:00

My dad's op went well, he got back out the next day and is now recuperating at home. It was good to see him and my mum, even though I spent quite a bit of time in bed with a cold :-(
So this is a temporary pitstop back home before heading off to the Western Isles for a holiday. If the weather permits, we're hoping to get to St Kilda. I'm off to buy Sea-bands and anti-sickness tablets, as it's around 4 hours out and 4 hours back on the boat.
Callanish is also on the list of places to go - hopefully we can get there when there aren't crowds of tourists. I'm not sure how it will compare to the magnificent standing stones we enjoyed on Orkney last year, but I'm looking forward to it.

reality check

2011-06-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

My dad's going for an operation on Thursday. I'm working tomorrow, so can't get to see him beforehand. MrPM and I plan to go down to my parents' on Thursday and God willing will see dad after the op.
prayers etc appreciated

mono/henotheism

2011-06-15T02:07:00.000-07:00

Mrpastasmissus is getting rather worried by my recent posts. He's been worried before when I've been writing essays on various heresies. Probably understandably when I come out with things like "When you see where Arius/ Nestorius was coming from, what they said is actually quite reasonable"...
So we got into a discussion about what the Bible says about the existence or not of other gods. I'm not sure if it's simply an issue over terminology. What I actually believe is in one God who is a tripartite unity who is the cause and ultimate end of everything. I also believe other spiritual realities exist - created beings and less than God - angels and demons being the standard terminology, but also known as principalities and powers etc. (MrPM is quite happy with this :-))
So when God refers to "other gods" I take it he is referring to these other spiritual realities, as well as to anything we might choose to put in God's place.
Can you apply the label "gods" to such spiritual relities, or is that just misleading? Can you draw a distinction between "God" and "gods"? Does referring to them as "gods" turn me into a henotheist?

monotheism

2011-06-13T13:45:00.000-07:00

Rather a long gap in writing here, partly due to working extra shifts to cover for a colleague being off sick. I've also been trying to process quite alot of thoughts that have come up following some of Jarred's comments.
So, here goes with the latest one...
Christianity is a monotheistic religion. I'd always thought that meant believing that only one God exists. But rereading the Bible suggests that other gods DO in fact exist. Maybe I'm more used to hearing them referred to as "principalities and powers" - in other words, some kind of spiritual entities that aren't as powerful as God.
So does being monotheistic mean believing in one ultimate God, or does it mean worshipping only one God?

God and jealousy

2011-05-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

It always struck me as a bit odd that God was described as a jealous God. Doesn't that smack of insecurity? What could God possibly have to be jealous about?
Somewhere in the back of my head, there's the concept that there is only one God, and he goes by many different names. It's the classic all roads lead to the top of the mountain. So whatever name you call him, it's the same reality.
Except the Bible assumes the existence of other gods. Why else does God warn against having no other gods before Him if they don't exist? (Note, this doesn't have to mean they are as powerful).

But what Jarred said about some Pagans being eclectic got me thinking. Do Pagans believe in their gods as separate entities, or as human constructs? And if they are independent entities, then are they happy to share a believer with another god?
Suddenly the idea of God not being prepared to share believers with another god makes more sense to me.

essays

2011-05-17T04:17:00.000-07:00

Apologies for being a bit quiet recently, I got rather bogged down in my essay ("Ecclesiastes is a book for contemporary society". Discuss). But, thanks to help from mrPM "Just sit down and write it" I have sent it in, and have finished the OT writings module (hurray!)
Unfortunately, that means I need to get on with the next module which is "evangelism". It's a compulsory module (there's no way I would be doing it otherwise!) and I am not finding it at all easy. For starters, it assumes I'm part of a church, which I'm not really at present. MrPM and I have started going to another church where we fit much better than the previous one, but it is some distance away and I don't really know anyone there yet, so wouldn't consider myself a part of it yet. The other problem is that the whole module so far seems to be written from the standard evangelical perspective of "if you don't believe Jesus died for your sins, then you're going to hell. Oh, and by the way, God loves you." I feel like I'm an alien from another planet. So the most important thing is getting my sorry soul into heaven when I die?
The Bible says that Jesus went about PREACHING THE GOSPEL. This was BEFORE he died. So how can 'the Gospel' mean "Jesus died for your sins"??? Cause it wasn't what Jesus himself preached as the Gospel. He seemed to more along the lines of setting captives free, and bringing the kingdom of God to earth in the here and now. Surely we are supposed to do the same? Work with him to bring God's kingdom here and now? To give hope where there is none? Work for justice and an end to oppression? To help those who have no help? To love those who are unloved?
And I object to those who do these things in order to entice people so they can then 'preach the Gospel' and ask them to make a commitment. That's operating under false pretences, and cannot be compatible with following the one who said he was the Truth. I do these things because it's what I understand God did in Jesus. Sure, if someone wants to ask me about my faith, I'll talk til the cows come home. And yes, I do these things because of my faith, because this is how I live it out.
There's also the small matter of the rest of creation. If God so loved the WORLD etc, it's not just human souls that get redeemed, it's the whole of creation that is reconciled to God. How much anthropocentric individualism has the church syncretised with Jesus' teachings and is now teaching as sound doctrine?
In short, I'm going to have a nightmare doing this module and I suspect I may well be ranting here from time to time. Prayers/ good wishes etc gratefully received....

cultural appropriation

2011-05-05T06:37:00.000-07:00

What Jarred said about cultural appropriation got me thinking. So did the 'holding the bread too high at Communion' thing.
So is holding the bread up high (to at least face height) during Communion simply an irrelevance about which no-one in their right mind should be bothered? Or is it an example of an act which can be perceived as misplaced cultural appropriation?
If I go to a Catholic Mass, I expect the priest to hold the wafer up, the bell gets rung, and the theology is that at this moment the bread actually becomes the body of Christ. I personally may or may not believe this, but it's what I would expect.
In a denomination which has very much the view that 'the bread stays bread' and Communion is purely an act of obedience and remembrance, anyone can lead the service and break the bread.
So, in this setting, anything which carries overtones of (1) needing a priest (2) the priest offering a sacrifice (3) the bread becoming Jesus' actual body is seen as inappropriate.

Personally, I don't care - I've had communion with wafers, brown bread, white bread, teacake (bread with raisins in), poppy seed bread; wine, grape juice, Schloer, cranberry juice, raspberry juice, Ribena/other blackcurrant juice, non-alcoholic wine (which has the scary label "Not to be drunk as a beverage"!). I think the most moving communion I had was as part of a small group and we used crisps and Coke, because that was what we had.
But I do have to admit that seeing the bread lifted high in that particular church service jarred.
So is that inappropriate cultural misappropriation? Or just tradition?

syncretism 2

2011-05-04T02:21:00.000-07:00

Jarred - it gets worse - in the denomination I am part of I've seen people upset because a preacher held the bread up TOO HIGH during Communion - the preacher no doubt thought it would be easier for those at the back to see this, unfortunately it's seen as a relic of 'Popery' and completely unacceptable... Interestingly enough, there's no fuss about using small white bread cubes and cranberry juice instead of unleavened bread and wine....
Are there similar problems among Pagans? I would imagine that people being people, there will always be some who want to mix and match, and some who think you have to stick to the old ways to do it properly? How do yous* cope with this?

* yous = generic/ plural version of you

syncretism

2011-05-03T04:21:00.000-07:00

Fire girl's reply got me thinking about syncretism (which I understand to mean fusion of two different beliefs). Certainly, in the Old Testament, God had alot to say to the Israelites about being the only God, not worshipping other gods, and generally not taking on the religious practices of those around. They were to be different. Not that it seemed to work out like that alot of the time...
I have just started reading this book by Christoph Baumer about the Church of the East (also known as the Assyrian or Nestorian church). Reading about Zoroastrianism meant that some of the apocalyptic writing (such as Daniel or Revelation) and the whole concept of hell suddenly made alot more sense.
So, does that count as syncretism? Or is that OK as it was all a long time ago? Or is it OK because it's in Scripture?
I do wonder how much of what I think Christianity is about is culturally driven. To what extent is my Christian faith a syncretic mix of what Jesus taught and Western individualistic consumerism? It's difficult to work that out living in a Western individualistic consumerist society - I only manage to work out my own syncretism when faced with someone from a different background who has a different form of syncretism.
So I'm interested to hear from anyone else who either finds this a problem or practices their faith in a less traditional way (for want of a better way of putting it). And yes, that's partly because I'm nosy, but it's also in the hope that some of my own unknown idols will be exposed in the process.

welcome to any Pagans

2011-05-02T12:39:00.000-07:00

There's been a fascinating discussion over on Matt Stone's blog about how Christians should (or more to the point shouldn't) deal with Pagans.
My own experience of alot of Christians is that they are actually terribly insecure about their own faith, and worried that it won't stand up to any kind of questions from someone of another belief system. If you couple that with the standard evangelical concept that if you do not believe XYZ, then God will fry you in hell forever (because he loves you so much, of course!!!) and that if I don't tell you this, then when it happens it will all be MY fault (and what terrible things might God then decide to do to me????) you end up with a recipe for serious neurotic guilt.
I have enough problems feeling guilty about stuff that I am not responsible for - I've had depression for the past 20 years - and have had to learn NOT to take responsibility for things that are not my problem. Consequently I don't buy in to the above.
So, to be clear: I am a follower of Jesus, but I don't think it's my job to convert people. I love talking God-stuff with anyone daft enough to want to. I know very little about Paganism, but love hearing people's stories about their faith journey. So - maybe we can start exploring together?

Palm Sunday

2011-04-17T03:58:00.000-07:00

I am skiving church today, and will be again next week. It might seem odd to deliberately choose to stay away during the most important time in the church year. But that's the problem. It's the first Easter time since becoming out of pastorate (Easter was earlier last year, and it was mrPMs last service - we had no inkling of that at the time.)
So I am going through all the bereavement stuff of the first whatever since it happened. It feels wrong not to be at the brief ecumenical Palm Sunday service which concludes with parading through the town with the local band, before dropping everyone off at their own places of worship. It would feel even more wrong if I were in a different church with different traditions. I don't think it would be fair on the people at whichever church I ended up at - I would just be resenting them for not being what we had before - which is totally illogical and unjustified.
At least after next Sunday, all the first 'whatevers' will be over, and things will begin to get a bit easier.

theology course

2011-04-13T08:26:00.000-07:00

I got my psalms essay back - not too bad, but it seems I sit on the fence far too much, and am supposed to give my own opinion. I suppose that's only to be expected as I come from a scientific background. Oh well, now I know...
Next essay on OT writings is on Ecclesiastes. I'm one of those odd people who likes Ecclesiastes - it cheers me up to know there's someone more depressed than I am - but I can only deal with it in small bits. Too much at once makes me more depressed. So it's going slowly.
In the meantime, I've started another module - Evangelism in contemporary society. (It's a compulsory module - no way would I be doing it otherwise!) It is going to be very hard going, as I seem to be coming from a different planet to the standard evangelical take on things. And it's not made easier by the word "evangelism" bringing me out in a (metaphorical) rash, and memories of a booklet called "Journey into life" - anyone else remember that? I loathed it with a vengeance then, and it seems to still be the standard tract model. In other words, the "gospel" is as follows:
God really really loves you, but you are so awful that he has to punish you in hell forever. The only way you can escape this is to accept Jesus as your "get out of hell free" card. There is nothing else you can do about the situation - only bloodshed and death will do. If you don't accept Jesus, then you know the consequences.

I've just read "Love Wins" by Rob Bell. And while there are bits of it I think are superficial, I really don't understand what all the fuss was about - he's not saying anything new. But the reason for bringing that particular book up is that he says we can have all the programs and trendy stuff we like, but if our concept of God is off, we will not reach people. And the idea that Jesus rescues us from an angry Father who is waiting to fry us (out of love because we deserve it, of course) is not the reality of God. Unfortunately it seems to be there in the background of so much of what passes for the "gospel".

a year on

2011-04-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

It's a year since mrPM had to resign from pastorate. He was preaching for the first time since then on Sunday. It went well, despite half his notes falling on the floor part-way through the sermon. I assumed they were the ones he had already preached on, as he didn't stop and pick them up, but he told me afterwards that they were actually the bit he hadn't got to! Which I think confirms that this is something he should be doing.
I found it odd that he was preaching and I hadn't put the order of service together. We had got quite good at working together - he would give me a rough idea of his theme and I would put the order of service together, then he led it and I supported by playing piano. Although on paper it looked like the standard hymn/prayer sandwich, it never felt like that in practice - there was a starting point and then it all flowed through to the response at the end. That is something I do miss.
So how am I coping? Still not settled in a church, never mind a small group. Still talking to God (and even listening occasionally). Still taking the tablets and still feeling pretty wobbly alot of the time. And I still avoid going back to where we used to live - I meet friends who live there somewhere else. But I'm coping with work, which is something.
So now it's a case of waiting and seeing what happens next.

Barchester Towers

2011-03-07T02:13:00.000-08:00

Mrpastasmissus and I have just finished watching the DVD Barchester Chronicles - a dramatization of Trollope's books 'The Warden' and 'Barchester Towers'. It was first broadcast in 1981, and I have dim memories of watching it first time round.
It's well worth watching to see Alan Rickman as the unctuous Mr Slope, and Geraldine McEwan as the unstoppable Mrs Proudie who is magnificent in full sail.
(Although it has to be said if I tried to behave like that to mrpastasmissus I would be in BIIIIIG trouble ;-) )

Sunday morning

2011-03-06T04:55:00.000-08:00

I have a confession - I skived church this morning. But I have had a more productive time with God instead, so I don't feel bad about it.
Mrpastasmissus and I had a long chat this morning, talking about pastorate, and our fears and potential problems, and what we've learnt through what happened. We have realised we both have a whole new pile of buttons the other can now press unwittingly. It was good to talk through stuff together.
My exegesis of Psalm 84 which had ground to a halt had been looming over me from the bookcase all week. Unfortunately it's been a week when I've not had enough brain power or motivation to do anything with it. But this morning I felt I could get it done, and I now have!
So that's the first of my essays submitted :-)))
Off to celebrate with some chocolate (it's as good an excuse as any) ;-)

job

2011-02-22T02:20:00.000-08:00

At present I'm supposed to be writing a 1000 word exegesis on Psalm 84, but have got rather bogged down in it. Having done a diploma in British Sign Language and Interpreting, I tend to get rather involved in the translation theory side of stuff, which I don't think is quite the point of exegesis. So I'm procrastinating by carrying on with the rest of the module on OT wisdom, which means I've got to Job.
I think I'd always assumed the book of Job was about 'why do bad things happen to good people?' or 'where is God when it hurts?' - which it doesn't really answer. But having read it again, it strikes me that Job is actually about the following questions:
Do I only worship God for what I get out of it?
How deep does my faith actually go? Will I still worship God when everything falls apart?

Thinking about what we've been through and my reaction makes me wonder. I'm not sure that worship is necessarily the right word for my response, and I certainly did not accept the situation gladly. However, my conviction that God is God and I'm not persists. And I have discovered an inner core of steel in my determination to do what I believe He wants regardless of the cost to myself. Because if my faith means anything, it has to mean everything.

not me

2011-02-15T02:10:00.000-08:00

For the past 2-3 weeks I've been keeping people at arms' length. A friend said that "I've not been me". Whereas I think I have been me, it's just I've been the part of me that I don't like and usually sit on rather hard. I know that inside me is a rather obnoxious part, that says things better left unsaid, upsets people very easily and doesn't really care. I normally manage not to let that part of me out, but I know it's there.
Recently I've just not had the energy to squash it. Consequently I've been avoiding people - I've found it's better to do that than to end up saying things which will cause upset and devastation (both to them and to me when I get back to normal).
But today I seem to be back to 'normal' - or at least what passes for normal with me - mrpastasmissus will be very relieved!

Psalms

2011-01-26T08:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I decided it was time to get back to doing some official theology study, so I've enrolled on an online course. Currently I'm doing a module on Psalms. Bits of it are quite interesting, other bits seem rather far-fetched (just where is the evidence for annual cultic enthronement ceremonies, Mr Mowinckel???) and some parts resonate quite strongly.

Certainly what we have been through has allowed me to appreciate some of the more 'vicious' psalms in a way I never had before. I recognised the desperate demand that God should do something, because (1) I was in a mess (2) all human resources had failed (3) we were trying to do what God wanted (4) we were in this mess BECAUSE we were trying to stay obedient, rather than give in to the demands of others (ie it was God's fault) (5) the situation was bringing God into disrepute (6) it would take a miracle, but the Bible is stuffed full of God doing miracles...
and then afterwards, the wish for revenge on those that had done this to us... (which I think I'm now over).

It has been good to read psalms of lament (or disorientation if you prefer). Getting cross with God and praying no hold barred is not something we usually experience in church. In fact, I've been told that it's disrespectful. I've never stopped praying that way when I needed to, just not done it out loud.

This quote seemed to sum things up: "This polarity of praise and lament is different from the familiar polarity of petition and thanksgiving in our modern prayers. The arc which the pendulum makes as it swings between the poles of lament and praise is much greater than that between petition and thanksgiving". (Westermann, The Psalms: Structure, Content and Message p11)

Is our praying anaemic because we're not really that bothered about most of the stuff we pray about?

virtuous

2011-01-11T08:48:00.000-08:00

Just now I am feeling extremely virtuous. (That looks extremely strange spelling, but I have just checked it, so think it's right.) Having procrastinated for the last 2 days, and covered our living room floor in multiple piles of paper, I have finally done my tax return! And, even better, the tax man owes me money :-)
And I think that's my first resolution of this New Year - to do my tax return earlier next year. Of course, like all New Year's resolutions, I'm sure it will get broken, but at least it will take me the whole year to break it!

that was the year that was

2010-12-31T12:58:00.000-08:00

The snow let up enough for us to make it to my parents' for Christmas. It was nice, but very odd - it's the first time I've been there at Christmas in 15 years. They still live in the same house I grew up in, so all my memories of childhood Christmasses came back. It was very strange not having my grandparents and Uncle there (they have died in that time).
So now we're back home, and it's the end of 2010.
I shan't be sad to see the back of it. During the year I have had a severely depressed husband, been severely depressed myself, watched from the sidelines as other people made major decisions affecting my life without involving me in them, had my home taken from me, lost my church, realised people I thought were friends weren't, seen my husband become unemployed and the difficulty in finding any kind of job, face the whole unfairness of the church system which treats ministers in a way which would not be tolerated in a secular job (not least because they'd get sued), and deal with subtle evil hidden behind smiling faces which was not recognised by others despite being pointed out.
On the plus side: we have a lovely new house, mrPM has a short-term job he quite likes, I still have a job, finances are working out much better than I had anticipated, mrPM is no longer depressed and I am stable again, we are out of the toxic situation, my response to the whole business of becoming out-of-pastorate has triggered alot of discussion at high levels which should mean others will not be put in the same position. We also had a super summer holiday with friends which was really special for all of us. Oh, and God taught me alot about forgiveness, perseverance, doing what is right rather than what is easy, and following Him whatever the cost.

And I've made some new friends thanks to this blog!

Hopefully (oops -that should be God willing) 2011 will be better
Happy New Year (and a belated Happy Christmas)

question

2010-12-18T02:17:00.000-08:00

Last week we (mrPM and I) went to a different church, some distance away. The whole sermon was about how much God loves us. No qualification, no threats, no mention of hell. It was wonderful. And it made me cry.
Why does hearing how much God loves me make me cry?

procrastinating

2010-12-07T05:20:00.000-08:00

We have had alot of snow! I have discovered muscles I didn't know existed...
Today, it's not actually snowing for a change, just being very cold and pretty. I'm admiring it from inside, having been out earlier, only to find there is no salt anywhere in the town. (Nor snowshovels).
So I might finally get round to writing Christmas cards this afternoon. I've been putting it off for the last few days, but I really should get them done. But it's hard to know how to explain what has happened over the past year and why we have had to move.
Talking of Christmas cards, there are some super e-cards here
http://www.ainvaresart.com/home/

snow on snow

2010-12-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

It's been snowing for the past 4 days. On Monday I thought I'd clear the path up to our front door. As we don't currently have a snow shovel. I went to get the spade. Then I remembered mrpastasmissus was out at work, and his car had the spade in it. So I resorted to the yard brush. Not an easy job - all the snow sticks in the bristles and the brush just gets heavier and heavier...
So I sat back to enjoy a coffee while my back and arms recovered from the unaccustomed exertion, and what did I see out of the window? It was SNOWING again!
So on Tuesday, I cleared the path again and treated myself to a soak in our lovely deep bath to ease the back muscles. And I emerged to find it was SNOWING again.
Today I just haven't bothered!!!

not a good week

2010-11-23T07:20:00.000-08:00

Last week was not a good one. I was doing lots of extra shifts at work (more than I know is good for me, but they were desperate) so was tired and grumpy anyway. Consequently God got somewhat squeezed out, as is normal for me in this situation.
The church service on Sunday left me feeling even worse, and even less inclined to bother with God. I'm sure you're not supposed to leave church feeling worse than when you went in, but that's what happened. Actually, it combined with the results of overwork to leave me wanting to self harm.
Before you all panic - I don't actually self harm. I am on antidepressants, have been for years, and usually they keep me pretty stable. Limiting my working hours also helps. But if I am angry or extremely upset, I get thoughts of self harm.
And it worries me. 25% of women and 10% of men have depression at some point in their life. In any given congregation, there will be others with no formal mental health diagnosis who have serious issues with self-esteem due to traumatic experiences in their past. So what effect does continually telling people they are sinners have on this group?

Something else I found ironic (text was Micah 6:8) - the Israelites were described as having abandoned God, and part of the proof of this was the terrible things they did, including sacrificing their children as burnt offerings. Then later we got to Communion, when the prayer was thanking God for sacrificing his child....

For my own sanity I'm going elsewhere for the next couple of weeks.

interesting blog...

2010-11-16T05:44:00.000-08:00

I came across this recently. It seemed to tie in with some of the recent things I had been thinking.

http://www.stuffwhitechristianslike.com/2010/11/104-telling-people-that-theyre-going-to.html

love

2010-11-14T05:23:00.000-08:00

I was at church this morning. Somehow a service ostensibly about God's amazing love left me feeling a worm. Can this be right?
I know I am human. I know I am not God. I know I get things wrong, and do what I want rather than what God wants. So, yes, I am a sinner (as is everyone else).
No, I don't understand why God loves me. I just know he does.
Come to that, I don't understand what my husband or friends see in me that allows them to love me either, but I know they do. I have no idea why. But I know that they do love me, and I accept this - not as my right, but as an undeserved gift.
I don't go on about it everytime I see them, telling them that I don't deserve their love and how I'm an awful person. I think that would be rather insulting - it's basically telling them I know better than they do, and they are wasting their love. They have given me their love as a free gift, and I accept it as such, even if I don't understand it. And then, maybe I move beyond that to realising I AM loveable, despite what I might think of myself.
So why is it different with God? Why do we have to keep doing the "I'm a terrible sinner" stuff? Why don't we move past that to saying "God loves me, I don't understand why, but he does" and then live in the light of that love, allowing it to redefine who we are? Or is that too threatening?

everything you've ever done...

2010-11-08T09:13:00.000-08:00

Going back to the service I was at which was using week 3 of "Christianity explored"....
It contained that standard bit about how if every thing you'd ever thought, every internet site you'd ever visited (this is the updated version!) etc were on display for everyone to see, how bad would you feel?
And this is the effect of sin, but God can forgive you for it...

So I thought about having everything on display. I might be a bit embarrassed, but no-one ever died from embarrassment. People who love me would cope, and why would I care what people who don't love me think? And God knows it all anyway and loves me just the same. Maybe having depression and having lost control rather spectacularly in some extremely embarrassing situations (both work and church) means I don't feel this is such a terrible thing. After all, I've already experienced it to an extent. So I don't have the shame/ guilt/ humiliation issue that you're obviously supposed to have.

I was doing some research for a friend's project, and came across a table showing strategies for gaining and maintaining rank-status (Body Shame, ed Gilbert & Miles, p9). In other words, how do you persuade other people you are important and they should take notice of you?

If the strategy is aggression, the tactics are coercive, threatening and authoritarian: the desired outcome is to be obeyed and to be submitted to: the purpose of the strategy is to inhibit others and stimulate fear.
If the strategy is attractiveness, the tactics are showing talent, showing competence and being relational: the desired outcome is to be valued, to be chosen, to be freely given to: the purpose of the strategy is to inspire/ attract others, to stimulate positive affect.

It struck me that the everything on display approach given above is using the first of these strategies - trying to instil fear and hence submission to God. My reading of the Bible suggests Jesus used the second approach.
Do we need to do something different?

forgiveness

2010-11-06T07:28:00.000-07:00

When I first started this blog, forgiveness was an issue I and some of my friends were struggling with. For me, not forgiving has been an ongoing problem. When you are trying to address unjust systems (which I hope I would have done anyway if I had been aware of the issues), how do you separate the genuine desire for justice and fairness from the personal desire for revenge?

In an earlier blog, I said that "I'm sorry" seemed to be difficult words for some people. I personally don't find them particularly difficult. Neither do I find asking for forgiveness. But to say "I forgive you" to someone who has hurt you badly and not asked for your forgiveness - for me, that is very difficult.

I was at a big church thing recently, as was someone I had had major issues with over the whole sequence of events that led to mrpastasmissus becoming an expastor. I had been doing my best to avoid them, and did so quite well, until the communion time. During the sessions we had heard alot about people who died for being obedient to God, and how what we really believe is shown by what we DO rather than what we say. So God took the opportunity to impress upon me that if I was serious about my faith, I needed to forgive this person. Not easy, I thought, but I can try (thinking I'll keep it all to myself and only God and I will know...) But that would have been getting off too lightly - I had to go over to this person and tell them "I forgive you".
I still don't know how I physically did it, but somehow it happened. They were extremely gracious about it, which helped alot.
The upshot of it is that it feels as though a weight has been lifted, and I am amazed that I did something which was so difficult for me without arguing (much!) with God.
Maybe I am getting a bit better at this whole following Jesus business?

why did Jesus come? continued...

2010-11-03T08:57:00.000-07:00

The question was inspired by having been at a different church to normal, when they happened to be running week 3 of the Christianity Explored course. The course is based on Mark's gospel.
So the first question of the night was 'Why did Jesus come?' It seems the "correct" answer is 'to die so that I can be forgiven for my sins and therefore not go to hell when I die'.
It was quite funny, in that the two friends I was with had immediately given the answer 'to bring the kingdom of God' - they had obviously absorbed misterpastasmissus' preaching (heavily influenced by Tom Wright).

So, having had a rather busy week, I finally thought I should do some research. What I found in Mark about why Jesus came is as follows:
Mark 1:38 - to preach in other villages also
Mark 2:17 - not to call respectable people, but outcasts
Mark 8:31 - to suffer much, be put to death but rise to life (although I'm not sure if this is simply a statement of fact about what will happen, or if Jesus sees it as his purpose).

So, in the light of Mark 2:17 - if you don't think you are a sinner, does that class you as a 'respectable person' and should we therefore spend alot of time trying to persuade you that you are a sinner? Or should we go and find the broken people who have no doubt about their need?

Why did Jesus come?

2010-10-25T10:34:00.000-07:00

A quick hello to poetreehugger and anon from Australia (and don't worry, Catriona, I didn't think you were accusing me of anything!)
A very brief post, inspired by Sunday's service.

So the question is:
Why did Jesus come?

That's it! I am really interested to know what people's answers are, so post away...

universalist?

2010-10-23T01:50:00.000-07:00

Catriona's comment got me thinking. Am I a universalist? Not really. I think there is such a thing as hell, and that if people choose it, then God will respect their freedom to make that choice.
(Although I do wonder if heaven and hell might actually be the same thing - being in the presence of God...)

What does make me extremely uncomfortable is that when I look at the Gospels, I see Jesus warning a particular group of people they are in serious danger of hell. Who is this group? The tax collectors? The prostitutes? No, it's the Pharisees. In other words, it's the ones who take God and His Scriptures seriously, do all the right things, believe all the right stuff and tell others to do the same, because that's what God wants. It's the ones who think they know the mind of God and are justified in telling everyone else that their way is the only right way, because it's what God himself has said.
And yet, Jesus says to them that they are actually missing the point and in greater danger of hell than the very people they are convinced are going there.

church - helpful or harmful?

2010-10-18T05:39:00.000-07:00

So I am trying to settle in to a new church. It's not easy. The people seem nice (but so did the people in our last church, and it turned out to be a veneer for public consumption only with some of them). Our musical gifts are in demand, and I can be as involved as I want. So what's the problem?
Quite simply, the theology: There are 2 types of people. If you're a Christian, then you're saved and will go to heaven when you die. If you're not, then you go to hell.
I know this is orthodox theology. But I have problems with (1) a one-off decision being the be-all-and-end-all (2) 'saved' meaning rescued from the penalty of sin which God himself had ordained (3) 'heaven' being somewhere where you go when you die.
I have problems with these issues anyway, as my understanding is that Jesus calls me to follow him, to be transformed into his likeness, to share his path of suffering and to work with him in establishing the kingdom of heaven here and now. All of which is an ongoing process.

But at present, it's not just an intellectual problem, it's an emotional one too. Because of the events that led to me becoming the missus of an ex-pastor and because I have depression, it is very easy for me to start seeing God (the Father) as someone who is judgemental, vengeful and sadistic. So having God presented as a judge who demands death for everyone (for breaking a rule that He set up in the first place, KNOWING it would not be kept) really does not help. Oh yes, I forgot the bit that says 'but because he loves you so much he provided a way out, but unless you do it exactly right you'll fail'. Well, thanks! Why set up such a stupid system in the first place?
Telling me about a judgemental God and a forensic explanation of the atonement really does not help me. Tell me about a God who is passionate about the world he created, to the extent that he keeps it going even while it is in rebellion against him, and actually becomes a part of that world; a God who loves, makes himself vulnerable, humbles himself, and gives all of himself to his creation and I might start wanting to know Him again.

And if I left the service feeling like that, I wonder what the people who don't normally go to church but who had come especially for a family event made of it...

new things

2010-10-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

One of the things with moving house is lots of things change. In the manse, we had a shower curtain over the bath which was on an extendable pole with suction cups at the ends to keep it in place. Or I believe that's the idea of them... In our case, they worked for about 3 months of the year. The rest of the time the walls must have expanded slightly or something, because it had this amazing knack of waiting until you had just stepped under the shower, and then falling off the wall. Of course, the water went everywhere, so you had to turn the shower off, fix the shower rail (which could take some time), run the shower until it eventually reached the right temperature and then get back under it. So a proper shower cubicle where you don't have to worry about playing reverse Russian roulette (falls down 5 out of 6 times) with the shower curtain is bliss! And our new bath is amazing!!! It's long enough to lie down in without having to stick your feet up on the taps :-)))
Going to a different church is proving alot more challenging. The theology that is preached is quite a bit more Reformed than I'm used to, and is pressing alot of not very helpful buttons for me. The people seem nice and very caring, even though I don't know anyone particularly well. They also are very appreciative of my musical talents. Normally I'd just stick it out and tune out the bits I have problems with, but right now I'm not up to doing that. The green-eyed monster of jealousy is also alive and well. It's hard being somewhere where they are all excited about community outreach and praying for revival, when at the back of my mind is a little voice saying 'but that is what you and Mrpastasmissus were trying to do in your ex-church, and look what happened'. And then of course I feel bad for feeling that way. Why do I have to be cynical because of my past instead of being glad I am in a church that does seem to genuinely want to do these things? It could be a simple case of 'once burnt, twice shy' - our ex-church said they wanted to reach out into the community, but when that started actually happening and the power base within the church looked like being challenged, suddenly it was a different story. Actually, I suspect I just have a bad case of sour grapes.

trying to get organised

2010-10-07T03:37:00.000-07:00

Well, we got everything out of the manse that we needed to, got the manse cleaned (many thanks to our friends for helping, and especially for the industrial hoover and carpet cleaner!) and keys handed back. So now we're in our new home, which is gorgeous. Carpets look like being another week, no curtains, boxes everywhere, sleeping on mattresses on chipboard floor, but that's fine.

Trying to get organised is a different matter. Today I went to register with a GP. It turns out I need passport/ driving licence AND proof of address. Then the form takes 2 weeks to process. Then you're supposed to go for a new patient check before making any appointments to see a doctor. So they were not impressed with me saying I only had 2 weeks worth of medication left. Why hadn't I got more before moving? Well, I thought 3 weeks supply would be enough. Can't I get more from my previous practice? Not really, as I'm now outside their practice area and so not covered by them any more. And yes, I do need to see a doctor (not a nurse) about my repeat medication, as some of it is a bit unusual.
Of course, I also don't have any bills at this address yet...
In the end I got a doctor's appointment for 10 days time and need to take my proof of ID and address with me to that. But I only managed that because I know the system and wouldn't accept being fobbed off.
It's easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle....

moving

2010-09-29T13:05:00.001-07:00

Yesterday mrpastasmissus and I had a day laying more laminate flooring in our new house. It was much nicer doing that than staying in the manse and doing yet more packing! We now have another room almost done and we are getting better at it. We got to meet the neighbours on both sides, who were also moving in.
Mrpastasmissus and a friend (male) have spent today packing van, driving to new house, unpacking van and driving back. Friend's wife and I have been busy dismantling IKEA furniture so the boys could then put it in the van, packing kitchen stuff and doing some hoovering. So now all of our furniture has gone and we are down to needing to pack miscellaneous "stuff". At some stage I'm sure we thought we'd sort things out BEFORE moving. I suspect it will actually be the case that it all ends up in boxes marked "to be sorted" and stays there for the next 6 years.....
Actually, the boys have done a fantastic job of shifting things. I just hope mrpastasmissus can still physically move tomorrow, as he found out today he's got a week of doing deliveries (starting tomorrow).

an amazing day

2010-09-25T12:57:00.000-07:00

We have the keys to our new house! Today was the first of the flooring parties - having decided to put laminate flooring down in most of the house, it seemed a good excuse to get some friends together to help. Unsurprisingly, the boys had a great time with the power tools and saws. Fortunately one of them had laid laminate flooring before, and knew what to do (although mrpastasmissus sounded like he knew how to do it, I knew he was blagging - as a professional blagger myself, I do tend to recognise it!).
So we had a good time with friends in our new house. Then when we got home there was a letter for mrpastasmissus appreciating what he had given to the community here. It also contained a substantial cheque. We have no idea who it was from, as the donor had gone to considerable lengths to be anonymous. It was an amazing gift, and brought a lump to both our throats.

blessed to be a blessing

2010-09-19T02:14:00.000-07:00

Our new house has felt too good to be true. It's far more than we ever thought we could have, and was only made possible through the extreme generosity of my parents. In fact, it's so much more than we are used to that it felt wrong. Or that we didn't deserve it and it was all going to go horribly wrong at some point.
However, mrpastasmissus now has a job - watch out for the dreaded white van man! (although it might be a red or even a blue van, he's not sure yet.) He did some van driving for Samaritan's Purse one year, and really enjoyed it, so he's looking forward to being able to drive 2 inches off other people's back bumpers ;-)
In addition to this, we realised that we actually had more money available than we had expected. Then we got an email from friends in Romania. They are also having to move out of the manse, due to retirement. They had put down a deposit on a house, but needed to pay the balance by the end of the month, and were unable to do so due to a variety of reasons. Suddenly our extra money made sense.
Being able to pass on the blessing has somehow made our own new house seem more real to me.

complaints

2010-09-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

Meeting with the "high heid-yin" yesterday left me confused and disturbed. I had been hoping that I might get some resolution, so I could put things behind me and have a fresh start when we move in a couple of weeks. Suffice it to say I think this is unlikely to happen within that timescale.

In my professional role, I have had training in dealing with complaints. It seems there is no such training for ministers within our denomination, even ones such as this particular "high heid-yin" who has supposedly been trained in conflict resolution.

I came across a useful concept called "agent-regret". In other words, if something awful happens, you usually feel sorry for the person it happened to. If you are a bystander, then this is regret. If, however, you were somehow involved in what happened, even if it is not your fault, then it is appropriate to have a deeper level of regret. This is "agent-regret".
But if the agent in this case were to say "I don't need to apologise because it wasn't my fault", then this causes problems, because they are not acting in the manner expected, and this inflicts further hurt.

It seems that for some people "sorry" is indeed the hardest word to say. But saying you are sorry for someone's distress is not the same as admitting liability for it. Maybe some ministers need to be taught that.

how to embarrass your husband....

2010-09-15T02:20:00.000-07:00

We went to get the tour of our new house yesterday. It's the first time we've seen inside it when not still being constructed (it's a new build). And it is lovely!
But all the floors are chipboard, so off we went to a big shop to look at some carpets etc. We were just wandering around, with me stroking the samples to get a feel for the carpets, when a salesman came up and asked if we'd like any help.
"Not at the minute, thanks, I'm just fondling the carpets"
Cue one red-faced salesman and husband immediately disowning me...

cheese

2010-09-13T02:50:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if this is just a local problem, or if it happens elsewhere too. I went to the local supermarket to buy cheese. There were about 60 varieties of Cheddar (which I'm not particularly keen on). But no Cheshire, Caerphilly, Wensleydale or even Red Leicester or Double Gloucester to be seen. Our local supermarket isn't a particularly large one, so I though I'd pick some up at the big superstore (different firm as well). But even there, I found rows and rows of Cheddar, and had to really search before I found the Red Leicester and Double Gloucester. Of Cheshire, Caerphilly, Wensleydale (the sort without the fruit!) I could find no trace whatsoever!
Is this a global conspiracy? Is Cheddar the new orthodoxy?

hope

2010-09-08T01:59:00.000-07:00

We're due to get the keys for our new house in 2 weeks. So the manse is covered with stuff in varying degrees of packedness. I will be sad to move because it will mean various friends will no longer be just round the corner. At the same time, I will be glad, and am hoping for a new start.
Before that, I have a meeting with one of the "high heid yins" who was involved in the whole mess, to discuss a letter I wrote to them. I am rather apprehensive about this, as the last time they saw me I was somewhat lacking in self-control. (Yes, it was at the meeting when they told mr pastasmissus to resign and were ignoring anything we said, but I still don't think that really excuses it.)
So I am praying that I may act in a Christ-like manner. Not that I think that means meekly accepting anything that is said, but that injustice will be named and confronted in a Christ-like way. It would be too easy for me to act out of my own hurt and desire for vengeance. (And acting in such a way would also mean that my complaint could be written off as coming from a very hurt individual, rather than being taken seriously.)
I am a professional in another field, and have had occasional letters of complaint. I know how my profession is advised to handle such letters. It is interesting to compare this with what is happening to me in this situation. I will wait and see before commenting further, but if I'd handled a complaint the way this one has been dealt with so far, I would have been in serious trouble...

more real life...

2010-08-31T02:03:00.000-07:00

Back to the rubbish with a vengeance.... every time I think we're starting to get somewhere, something else crops up. There's no need for me to pick the tops off my own scars when other people get there first.
I am starting to think that emigrating is the only way we will ever get free from this

back to normal

2010-08-26T09:11:00.000-07:00

I've spent most of the last month away - a week on holiday, a few days back (long enough to get the washing done), then away again on a course and visiting my sister and then my parents. Hence the non-blogging.
On my travels, I picked up 'Ruthless Trust' by Brennan Manning. I was particularly challenged by a couple of sentences in chapter 3:
"Anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded."
"On the last day, Jesus will look us over not for medals, diplomas, or honors, but for scars."

My scars are healing, but I have to resist the temptation to keep picking the scabs off...

hope

2010-07-29T03:52:00.000-07:00

I was randomly mugged by a stray burst of happiness the other day. It was a very unfamiliar feeling. But today we have finally paid the deposit for our new house, so I can start believing this move will actually happen (things kept getting delayed by legal paperwork). And tomorrow we're off on holiday for a week.

chocolate :-)

2010-07-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

I discovered our local supermarket has started stocking WHITE chocolate in its 'basics' range. It is actually really nice.
At 27p for 100g, it means I can buy 4 times as much as if buying Milky Bar
:-))))))
(yes, that's the sextuple chin I will get from eating so much chocolate ;-) )
but remember "The Lord delights in fatness"

pause for thought

2010-07-18T05:36:00.000-07:00

I was enjoying lying in bed listening to Graham Norton on radio 2 on Thursday. I particularly enjoyed listening to the increasing panic as the time for "Pause for thought" came ever closer - the Canon due to deliver said thought was apparently stuck in traffic. She didn't make it in time, leaving Graham to do his best.
He started with "Why do bad things happen to good people?"
But he obviously felt this wasn't quite sufficient to count as a pause, so then came out with "A problem shared..........is gossip".

I am very tempted to do this in cross-stitch in the style of an old-fashioned sampler - to hang in the vestry (should we ever be in that position)
Mrpastasmissus suggests writing it on a large wooden spoon. I think that's more practical. Perhaps one should be issued to each Bible-study or prayer group leader, so they can brandish it whenever required (a bit like a yellow card!).
Hmm.... 2 wooden spoons equals a week on the sinner's stool?
I'm open to suggestions ;-)

a bad week

2010-07-10T03:33:00.000-07:00

This week has been of the 'hide under the duvet and eat chocolate' variety. And today, a duvet simply doesn't seem far enough away. The bottom of a deep hole seems a reasonable place. Or the other side of the world.
Reasons for this?
1) mrpastasmissus has to sign on
2) An official letter saying if he wants to keep current pension benefits he needs to pay a considerable amount a month. If he chooses to pay nothing then his registration as a pastor might be at risk. Well, thanks!!!
3) Church leadership want to meet us to discuss us moving out of the manse. As if they hadn't done enough to break us already, they need to make sure of throwing us out, despite the fact they said we could stay for another 3 months. This may be a simple issue of miscommunication between them and mrpastasmissus. I don't care. We are staying until our new house gets sorted and we can move, which should be within the next 3 months.
4) Money. I only work part-time for health reasons. Mine is the only income now. So all bills, council tax etc have to get paid from what I earn (until mrpastasmissus manages to find some kind of job, which could prove interesting...). The amount the pensions people want for a full pension is half my income.

I would actually like to be somewhere where none of this exists. Where we might have some hope of a future. Where mrpastasmissus' gifts are recognised and accepted and used. Where someone actually apologises for the damage they have caused both of us. Where I will stop being reminded of this rubbish. Where I will stop feeling angry and hurt and victimised.

avoiding God

2010-07-08T07:13:00.000-07:00

I'm busy avoiding God at present. It's not been that difficult with Guide camp occupying so much time and attention (and then the aftermath of recovering!). I thought I was just doing my usual thing of being busy and waving at God in passing, so to speak.
The trouble is, I don't avoid God completely. That would be too obvious. I talk to him a bit, general chat about what I'm up to, or what's bothering me, or that I'm too tired/busy to talk properly. Then if people ask me how things are going with God, I can tell them I'm still talking to him every day... Actually, it's more of a talking AT him...
And those who really know me know that the issue is not if I am talking to God, but if I am listening to him. Whether I am giving him a chance to get a word in edgeways and possibly disturb my life by telling me something I didn't want to hear.
But at present I don't think I want to give God a chance. Particularly as the last time I prayed like that I was shocked to find that I was blaming God for the way things have turned out, and for giving me false hope when he knew all along what would happen.
If, by definition, what God does is right, then my job is simply to accept that fact. At present, I can't. Oh, I still believe God can use this for good. But how do you go on trusting when you feel you've been let down? And how do you do it knowing that technically you haven't been let down, and therefore there is nothing for the other to apologise for?

Guide camp

2010-07-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

I got back yesterday from Guide camp, and have spent most of today asleep! It was a good camp, although I was rather apprehensive before going - we had 33 girls, were going quite a distance, and had alot who had never camped before! Ususally we camp at the local site, which at least has the advantage of being able to get parents to come and collect their kids if there are major problems - this time it wasn't an option.
Two of us went early as the advance party to put up the tents, as the Guides were not arriving til after dark. It was rather windy, and there were some fun moments when the tents blew about as we were trying to peg them down.
Camp actually went really well, despite torrential rain one day and even stronger winds which threatened to blow three of the tents away. Fortunately the wind dropped somewhat before bedtime, and the extra pegs seemed to do the trick.
The real fun came when we took the tents down. On removing one of the pegs, water started bubbling up from the ground! We're still not sure if it was a natural spring, or a water pipe (if the latter, it was very near the surface and very weak - our tent pegs were NOT strong ones).
Although it was tiring and hard work, I had a good time. It was especially nice to be complimented on how well behaved our Guides were. Now, does anyone have any ideas how to get that kind of behaviour in our regular meetings???

more chocolate

2010-06-29T06:30:00.000-07:00

Having eventually got to the stage of thinking I was getting somewhere with dealing with all the mess that's happened, we got a letter from one of the higher-up-ones who was directly involved in it all. And all the anger came flooding back...
Well, actually, not ALL of it, just alot of it. Mr pastasmissus said I was reading said letter with my very negative filter firmly in place, which is probably true. And he asked me what I was going to do with my anger.
My answer of cry, eat chocolate and wait for a bit and then somehow take it before God didn't seem to go down terribly well. I did point out that at least I was directing it outward, which is a definite improvement on turning it into thoughts of self-harm (don't worry,I don't actually self-harm, just think about it).
Taking it before God is going to be a challenge. I don't WANT to forgive. I want to carry on being angry, because then I can feel self-righteous. How come I think forgiveness is a great idea when it's me on the receiving end, but not if I'm not? And that's not just about me forgiving someone, it also applies to God forgiving them too. Am I really vindictive enough to want God to not forgive them? In which case, am I forgiveable? (A particularly pointed thought of "forgive us our trespasses, AS we forgive those who trespass against us" comes to mind.)
I'll get there in the end. In the meantime, it's done me good to get some of it out. And now I'm off to overcome some Gates of Hell :-)

Jealousy

2010-06-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

This morning I was in church - not the church we were in before, but a different one, some distance away. They have just appointed an evangelist to help with outreach in the area. So they are consequently very excited about what God is going to do. And I'm happy for them.
But...
There's a bit of me that thinks 'why didn't it work when WE tried it?' and 'we could have had that, if the church leadership had backed us'
And there's also a bit of me that thinks 'we started off with all those ideals too, but when things started actually changing it was a different story.'

I don't like myself for being jealous. I don't like the cynicism I've developed.
Why can't I just feel at home in a church that is on a similar wavelength, instead of thinking about what might have been?

what is important?

2010-06-14T12:15:00.000-07:00

I've not blogged for a while as firstly mr pastasmissus went away for a few days and the laptop decided it wanted a change of scenery too; then, when they did both come back, we discovered the technogizmo that allows internet access had obviously suffered a withdrawal reaction and consequently died!

I'm starting to realise that maybe I'm actually getting through this. That even though it feels as though I've been cast adrift in the middle of the ocean with no map, compass or supplies, I'm actually managing somehow to navigate my way through uncharted territory. Even though I've been expecting to capsize at any moment, the reality is that I haven't.

And I'm learning things from it. Not always things I wanted to discover...
When I last posted, I was non-specifically angry about the whole church mess/ situation. A throw-away comment by mr pastasmissus that he hoped that God would bless the church here resulted in me having a rather incandescent internal reaction. I didn't want God to bless the church here - I wanted it to fall apart, to prove that we had been right all along. And then some unwanted scripture popped up in my head: Some say 'I follow Paul', others 'I follow Apollos'. But this should not be; it is Christ we follow. (based on 1 Corinthians 3:4-8). Was it more important to me that I should be proved right, or that the kingdom of God be extended?
When put like that, there could only be one answer. And somehow, alot of the anger seemed to melt away.

choices

2010-06-06T03:14:00.000-07:00

The last couple of weeks have not been particularly good ones for me. I have been angry (although when asked why or with whom, I couldn't specify). I also tended to cry for no obvious reason. And I was having major issues with God.
Feeling that somehow God has let me down and therefore can't be trusted is an all too familiar temptation for me, going right back to when I first became a Christian. I was a teenager at the time, and the prevailing theology I had picked up was that if you prayed for something hard enough and believed 'properly', then God would do it. The brother of a girl in my class had leukaemia. So I prayed - fervent, naive, trusting prayer. A month later, he died.
This had a huge impact on my relationship with God (the Father) for the next 20 years. Yes, I came to understand that it was bad theology, that God's ways are not our ways, that He knows what's best etc etc. But deep inside there was still that little niggle from a devastated teenager that God could not be trusted.
I stayed a Christian because Jesus was different, being a fellow victim and sufferer. In that way, projecting all the bad stuff onto God the Father at least allowed me to keep some kind of faith.

I think last year was the first time I again took the risk of trusting God by praying in that way - not that I didn't pray, it was just always slightly guarded - why give God another chance to disappoint me? After all, if I don't ask, I can't be let down. I prayed for a friend to be healed from a chronic illness that was causing considerable pain and difficulty. I expected a miracle. In the end, it did all get sorted out, but through major surgery - not quite what I had expected. I again had to live with God apparently letting me down. At that time I made a conscious choice that I would NOT react the way I had before, that I would continue trusting God.

And now with the recent situation I find myself having to choose again. We prayed so hard about our church situation, and believed God was telling us to stay. Right up to the very last minute I was expecting God to intervene somehow - to do a miracle, cause an outbreak of mass repentance. It didn't happen. So, what do I do this time?
I have a choice: I can either stay bitter and resentful about what happened, and become cynical and mistrusting of God; or I can decide to trust God, and use this as an opportunity to learn and practice Christ-likeness.

I can't alter what has happened. What I can do is realise that the way in which I respond to this shows how deep my faith actually goes. It's only when things get tough that you discover what you really believe and who you really are.

a tricky situation

2010-06-03T03:37:00.000-07:00

So, mr pastasmissus is no longer the pastor. We're still living in the manse until we get housing sorted out. The church does not have a building, so our phone number was the contact number for the church (although I have to admit I took great delight in changing the answerphone message!), so we still get occasional phone calls about church stuff, which we deflect on to the church secretary.
But this morning we had a call that one of our members had died, and a request from their relation for hubby to do the funeral. This relation didn't know he is now the ex-pastor. He told them they would need to talk to the church secretary.
So what is the etiquette in this situation? It's made more difficult by this being a small town, and our church being a small congregation.
Yet one more thing they don't cover in the ethics course while training for ministry....

going round in circles...

2010-06-02T03:00:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last week going round in circles. Or rather, going part-way round one circle and ending back up where I was. Rather disheartening. All the anger, bitterness and cynicism have been back with a vengeance. And I know it's part of grieving, and I know it's normal, and I know it takes time. But I don't like it. I don't like myself when I'm like this. I end up focussing on how bad I feel, how I feel I've been wronged, and ultimately blame God for allowing it to happen. All of which is stupid, destructive and pointless.
Right now, trying to follow Jesus is hard. I don't particularly want to pick up this cross of accepting these feelings and yet choosing to forgive. I'd much rather sit down on the ground and kick my heels and scream 'It's not fair' in best 2-year-old tantrum style. Except I've done that before. I thought I'd learned from it, and grown up a bit. Maybe the fact I'm posting this is a sign that I have...

Jesus and God

2010-05-26T06:53:00.000-07:00

When mr pastasmissus was applying to train as a pastor, he had to fill out some rather detailed forms. One of them asked for "short notes explaining your understanding of..." There was then enough space for about 3 sentences. The things they wanted you to explain included "the trinity".
We had some fun with that. My initial suggestion of "God is 3 and God is 1, and, no, I don't understand that either" may have been honest but was dismissed as not quite having the right tone. So I tried again "the tripartite unity of the Godhead is a paradox beyond human comprehension". That got dismissed as too pretentious!
I am always intrigued by how different people see God. For me, Jesus, God the Father and God the Holy Spirit have always been quite distinct. That's not saying I think they're separate, just that I react and interact slightly differently to each. And it's different again for God the trinity.
A consequence of this is that I am very careful when I pray, to know who I am addressing. I know that many other people I have spoken to about this can't understand why it matters - after all, it's all the same God. (Although, oddly enough, if you then suggest praying to the Holy Spirit, the same people often get very upset and start telling you why this is wrong - and the comment "it's all the same God" does NOT go down well ;-) ) But it does mean I have a mental disconnect when I hear communion prayers that start off "Father God" and then say "thankyou for dying on the cross" - I want to stand up and shout that he didn't....
It probably all stems from the image of God I had as a child - the critical parent/ teacher in the sky, who was big and scary and powerful, sitting on a cloud, armed with thunderbolts, just waiting to zap me if I did something wrong. Jesus, in contrast, was much more approachable, and on the side of the victims. At that stage the Holy Spirit was a rather unknown concept (never mind person). I'm not saying this is good theology, it's just where I started from.
When I hit problems with my faith, it all got blamed on God the Father. He was the one who could have stopped stuff from happening, but hadn't. Therefore He was the bad guy. I couldn't do that to Jesus - he had already suffered so much, I didn't want to add to it. And anyway, he knew what it was like to feel helpless and abandoned and let down by God. So even when I was having major issues with 'God', I was still committed to Jesus.
My understanding of God has changed alot since then and has become more integrated. But I am still very careful with who I am addressing when I pray.

Why do I still follow Jesus?

2010-05-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

So why do I still follow Jesus, if it makes my life more difficult?
There are alot of different reasons.
The main one is the same reason I started following Jesus in the first place: I couldn't come up with a convincing alternative to the resurrection. So if Jesus rose from the dead, then I had to take the rest of what he said seriously too. That meant believing in God (which I didn't want to....) and recognising that Jesus says to people "Come and follow me". Which I chose to do about 25 years ago.
Since then I've fallen in love with Jesus, hated God, been scared by God, ignored God completely, resented God, argued with God, and tried to break up with him (I couldn't).

For me, it really does all come down to Jesus. How could God love me (when I was hating him) enough to leave his nice cushy number in heaven and become a baby? I mean, why not come as an adult? - at least you would have bowel control... And then living a life where your friends don't understand you, the people who should help undermine you, and in the end a friend betrays you and dying horribly alone... And all the time, having the power to stop it from happening.
I think that is the most awesome bit - that Jesus had the power to stop it, but chose not to.
I can't turn my back on that - it calls to something deep within me.
So there's an element of 'if Jesus loves me enough to do that, then I love him back' - not as an obligation, but as an emotional reality.

In terms of following Jesus making life easy - oddly enough, I don't ever see Jesus saying that in the Bible. He actually tells people to be prepared to give up everything for him, and if they're not prepared to do that then not to bother. (Luke 9:57-62 Luke 14:25-33 Luke 18:18-29). He also tells them to expect trouble because of their faith (John 15:18-16:4) and not to be surprised when it happens. To me that sounds rather different to "come to Jesus and all your problems will be over".

holiday theology

2010-05-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

The theology digressed a bit onto chocolate theology - something which I think would bear closer examination (and sampling!) - and yes, Angela, I'd be up for a joint project ;-)
So going back to the original post: while on holiday I read "Christus Victor" by vonAulen. I'm not sure I understood all of it, so please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong...
Basically what I got from it is that the idea of atonement has different interpretations; and penal substitution, although very influential in Western thought actually did not occur as that concept in the early church or the Patristic period. In fact, the idea of penal substitution came out of discussing the sacrament of penance - if someone good did lots of penance then they could accrue extra Brownie points, which God could then transfer to someone else. So Jesus dying on the cross accrues megaBrownie points which can then get transferred to our account, wiping out what we owe God. It's an extremely forensic view of God, who seems to delight in keeping lists of every individual thing we do wrong, and who will only wipe it out if someone pays for it (in blood).
I've always had an issue with this, as for me it's very difficult to reconcile this image of God with the idea that God is love. But I never knew that it was rooted in the doctrine of penance, especially as developed by Anselm.
VonAulen says that this view of the atonement is too narrow in scope. Jesus dies for my sins. Yes, that is true. But in this model, only the fact that Jesus dies is significant. So why come as a baby? Why wait 30 years to start preaching? Why get raised from the dead? And yes, he dies for my sins, but is it only humanity that needs to be redeeemed? And using the idea of God having a list - Jesus might die to wipe the contents of the list off, but does that do anything to change my underlying sinfulness???
His view, which he says is that of the early church (and is still that of the Eastern Orthodox church) is that the atonement is God acting to reconcile all creation to himself, despite the best efforts of Satan. Christ lives life the way Adam should have (and didn't). By doing this, the result was that the evil which opposed him finally over-reached itself and claimed his life, although in reality it had no claim on him. Consequently Jesus broke the power of sin, death, hell and the grave. This reconciles creation to the creator and gives the possibility of a new way of being.

It made alot of sense to me, particularly in view of our recent issues. I had been feeling that the things that had been said about my husband were personal, and had been deeply hurt by them. However, this changed my perspective to see that all of creation is caught up in a cosmic war between God and evil and we simply have to decide which side we are on. In our church mess, hubby and I tried to do what we thought God wanted. Eventually, the evil present came to light. Unfortunately, we paid the price for doing the right thing. But what does it profit a man (or woman) to gain the whole world but lose their soul?

chocolate theology 2

2010-05-11T03:41:00.000-07:00

I used to go to a church where the pastor's favourite verse was "The Lord delights in fatness".
I still remember him preaching a sermon about God's love, and one of his illustrations involved Kit-Kats. He described in great detail the process of unwrapping it, snapping it and biting into it - only to discover it was SOLID CHOCOLATE. There had been a 'happy accident' and somehow the biscuit had not made it into the Kit-Kat. And God's love was solid all the way through, but unlike the Kit-kat, it wasn't a happy accident, it was meant to be like that....

Just another random thought as to why God is like chocolate - I think it was T S Elliot who said that mankind could not bear too much reality. We can't cope with too much exposure to God - much prefer the watered down version as being more palatable. Me, I like the British chocolate that the Europeans don't think is chocolatey enough to count as 'chocolate'. I once made the mistake of getting some 90% chocolate and put 4 pieces in my mouth at once (yes, this is the way I usually eat chocolate!). I couldn't speak for quite some time, and suddenly understood why chocolate was seen as a dangerous stimulant when it first appeared. It was rather different to what I thought chocolate was.....

chocolate theology

2010-05-10T06:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry to anyone waiting for the actual theology I read on holiday - this is a digression. Yesterday was not a particularly good day for me. It is extremely strange being in a church where I don't know anyone and have nothing to do, and the preacher isn't my husband. It WAS nice having him sitting next to me and passing tissues over at appropriate intervals...
So I spent the evening cheering myself up by overcoming the gates of hell. For the uninitiated, this means eating Toblerone chocolate...
This stems from a remark I made at a Bible study about how I had been very confused by an ikon I'd seen in Greek Orthodox churches in which Jesus seemed to be standing on two Toblerone bars. It took me a while to realise the two yellow things near the base of the ikon are actually the gates of hell!

I hope that might encourage some of you to do the same ;-)

a sense of place

2010-05-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

Having been in a church which has not had a building for 20 years, the idea of place being important is not particularly familiar. But being away from here and physically in a different place has helped alot. Somehow I now have a bit of distance from the things that have happened, and the overwhelming engulfing pain has settled into something much more manageable. That's not to say I'm happy about what happened. I'm not, and I'm still working out what (if anything) to do about it. I still get upset at times, but at least I'm now functional and even managed OK back at work.
I also got chance to read some theology while away - yes, I do read theology for fun! - mr pastasmissus used to get quite annoyed by me 'borrowing' his books when he was at college - but more of that next time.

hmmm

2010-04-22T02:03:00.000-07:00

So having been whinging about some of the problems of being a pastor's wife, I now have a new set of problems, as I am now an ex-pastor's wife. It's amazing how suddenly you become persona non grata.
So now we start looking for somewhere to live, somewhere to worship, trying to work out what on earth happens next.
Unfortunately it's not as simple as hubby simply moving on to another church. He now joins the ranks of the unemployed.

Oh well, off for a holiday tomorrow (booked ages ago). It will be good to be physically somewhere different.

And every time I start feeling sorry for myself, I try to remember that there are people DYING for their faith across the world.

confused...

2010-04-17T03:43:00.000-07:00

Things keep seeming very black.
I try to hold on to God.
Then they get worse.
At which point I give up.
Then God does something.
So a glimmer of hope returns (along with the guilt for doubting).
Then something else happens, and the darkness returns, even stronger.

Right now I have no idea what is going on. I can only hope God keeps a firm hold of us despite everything.

rug-less

2010-04-10T03:17:00.000-07:00

The rug has been pulled out from under us.
We have no choice.
We can't disagree, because that would show insufficient humility and therefore prove we're not fit to be in ministry.

Looks like I got my wish of not having to go to church ever again. I should have remembered "Be careful what you wish for, it might come true"

that was just a temporary blip....

2010-04-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

This is probably going to be the worst Easter I have experienced.
Church mess continues. One of the leaders seems to be deliberately setting hubby up to fail, and then taking great delight in pointing out all his faults in such a way that he takes the rap.
I have to be at services tonight and Sunday morning as I am the pianist.
Another Saturday church prayer meeting at 9am (9am!!! and hubby's day off!!!) to pray about the future of the church. Not much in the way of listening to God has happened so far at any of these.
Oh, and we have just been informed about a meeting with various other people next week. Do not understand the purpose of the meeting (certainly not from the composition of people involved)or why it is happening. Suffice it to say that we have been told not to discuss it with anyone, and our future here looks extremely uncertain.

And in all of this, who gives us any support? We are both on antidepressants, both having counselling (but the counsellors are off on holiday for the next 2 weeks) and have been told not to talk about it to anyone.

I really really wish I didn't follow a God who got crucified and then told me to follow him.
I wish I wasn't the pastor's wife and could just leave and never go near a church again.

something to smile about!

2010-03-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

I've been reading back over this blog, and it strikes me it's pretty depressing. But there's a ray of hope...
Someone who has been coming to our church for a couple of years decided to commit their life to following Jesus. Which is brilliant :-)
But even more brilliant (from my perspective) is that they told mr pastasmissus that his preaching had really helped them to get to that point :-)
So mr pastasmissus has been bouncing around with random outbursts of 'God's amazing!' or equivalent and feels this is God confirming that we should stay here, despite the rubbish that's been going on.

Me, I think God is pretty amazing too!!! :-))))

censorship

2010-03-09T07:05:00.000-08:00

My husband used to have a blog. It was open to anyone to read. His name was on it, so he was extremely careful in what he put on it. It appears this isn't enough.
Some of the church leadership accused him of using it to try to divide the church. They also complained he was putting inappropriate things on it (although what exactly those things were does not seem to have been explained).
So now he no longer has a blog.

I am extremely annoyed by this. I think of all the things he COULD have said (and didn't) about what has been happening, and the extremely unChristian behaviour that has been going on. I also think of all the efforts he has made towards reconciliation with the leaders, none of which have been taken up.
And I am extremely angry that it seems that no-one can hold the church leadership to account for making our lives hell for the past year. That they can slander my husband and get away with it. And that it has now got to a point where if he says something, it is twisted into meaning something completely different. If he said the opposite, that would be just as bad. And if he said nothing, that would prove he doesn't care. In short, it doesn't matter what he does, as far as the leadership is concerned, it's wrong.

Cleaning the oven....

2010-03-07T11:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we cleaned the oven. Not a big deal, you might think. You hadn't seen it. The bottom was covered in black welded-on bits of unrecognisable charcoal that had once been food (probably mostly cheese which has an amazing tendency to leap off the side of the pizza).
To be honest, I hate housework. The only time it gets done is just before people are coming round. And my husband isn't any more fond of it than I am. Hence the state of the oven, which hadn't been cleaned for ** months (no, I'm NOT going to put in the true number!).
So, having bought the industrial-strength oven cleaning stuff, we finally worked out a night when we wouldn't be using the oven. I duly applied the foam, and then left it to work its magic. Except you're supposed to clean it off after 2 hours, and I forgot until 4 hours later. I was half afraid it might have burnt a hole through the bottom of the oven, but it hadn't. Despite the claims on the can, it hadn't removed all the gunge either. Nothing for it but to try again. And again, I forgot when it was time. This time, hubby remembered after 3 hours, and volunteered to remove the debris.
So now the oven is considerably cleaner than before, but still has various charcoal additions which don't want to come off...

It got me thinking. How much rubbish do I carry around with me that eventually becomes so stuck that it's almost impossible for God to remove? Why don't I have a good clean out more often when I know things are easier to deal with before they become cemented on?
And how can I persuade someone else to do the housework? ;-)

encouragement

2010-02-22T13:55:00.000-08:00

As you may have gathered from various posts, things are somewhat difficult for me and my husband right now. Sundays can be especially hard. Last night we both collapsed into heap in front of some very silly snowy olympic sports on the telly (ski-cross really does have to be seen to be believed).
To our surprise we had a phone call from a friend who is a pastor in one of the old Iron Curtain countries. I had emailed him a few weeks ago to ask the family to pray for us and outlined a little of the problems we were facing. He phoned to find out how we were and to encourage us to stay faithful to God, no matter what.
To have this from someone who has lived most of their life with the uncertainty of whether today would be the day the secret police came, and still remained faithful to God, was amazing. It was also extremely humbling.

Bullying

2010-02-20T12:34:00.000-08:00

I came across this website:
http://www.balmnet.co.uk/index.htm

It defines bullying of clergy as "Any unreasonable behaviour towards Christian ministers which undermines their ministry, causes excessive stress, and threatens their health, eg. constant criticism, shouting, threats, manipulation, lack of respect for time off, unrealistic expectations, lack of support, and even on occasions physical violence."

And the results of this? "Prolonged negative stress can cause anxiety, fatigue, trauma, social phobia, poor concentration, anger, irritability, loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, depression, family breakdown, isolation, loss of faith, church phobia, frequent illness, prolonged absence from work, and in severe cases an end to ministry altogether."

From what I've witnessed, most of those examples of bullying apply to our situation (although not shouting or physical violence). I think having the leadership tell you you are incompetent and should resign counts as "lack of support"... (No, he's not brilliant at everything (who is?), but his preaching is outstanding and he's great in emergencies)
And as for the results: almost all apply. I've not lost my faith in God, but am finding my faith in the church severely tested. And it puts me off interacting with God, because that reminds me of the whole awful mess...

Why are we still here? Why don't we just leave?
Because we still think God called and is calling us to be here. Because we still have the vision for the church. Because we know there are others who share that vision.
I wish God would call us somewhere else. I'd miss my friends. I don't like change. But it's getting to the stage where I don't know how much more we can take.
Then I think of all those Christians who have sacrificed so much more for their faith, who have kept their faith despite persecution (even to death).
Does it make a difference if your persecutors are within your own church???

Lent

2010-02-17T12:48:00.000-08:00

Came across this:
"It's no good giving up chocolate for Lent if you continue hating your neighbour".

Does that mean I can start eating chocolate again?

prayer

2010-02-14T06:05:00.000-08:00

Well, we survived the service this morning - the reading was 1 John 4:7-21. This was my closing prayer:

Lord
We let you down so often.
We do things which hurt you.
We say things which do not reflect you.
And we think things which dishonour you.

We hurt other people - people made in YOUR image.
Sometimes accidentally.
Sometimes because it was the easy option.
And sometimes we do it deliberately
(although we always have a good reason for it).

In all these things we ignore your love:
Your love for us,
Your love for others,
Your love for the world which you created.

We ignore your love because it is uncomfortable.
It is there whether we want it or not.
It absorbs everything we do to try to destroy it.
Even trying to kill it didn't work.

We try to keep your love as a nice idea
Because then we don't need to do anything about it (except maybe tell others)
But you told us to live it out.
To love the way you did
Even if it means a cross.

To love like that is frightening.
To love like that hurts.
But to love like that is what you command.

Help us to obey
Through the power of your Holy Spirit
To the glory of your name
Amen.

grieving

2010-02-11T01:48:00.000-08:00

Following last night's meeting, I am grieving.
Grieving for my husband who was publicly torn to pieces by the leadership.
Grieving for the leadership that they could do it in such a manner.
Grieving for the church that they have such leaders.
Grieving for the local community that we cannot serve them because we are too focused on our internal problems.
Grieving for God as we tear His body apart with our lovelessness.
Grieving for the possibilities of something exciting and new which will now not happen.
Grieving that this fellowship never seem to learn from the past, and still think the only solution to problems is a change of pastor.
And grieving for myself that all my hopes and dreams have been destroyed.

some light relief....

2010-02-08T12:24:00.000-08:00

Well, after all that ranting, I think it might be time for some light relief. Bear with the introduction, it's well worth it

Rant

2010-02-05T09:08:00.000-08:00

Rant warning:

I am fed up.

I am fed up with my husband not getting a whole day off.
I am fed up with people assuming that he will do things without asking him first.
I am fed up with watching the church treat my husband badly.
I am fed up with church taking over his (and hence my) entire life.

I am fed up of people asking him if I will do things.
I am fed up of not being able to say what I think in case it reflects badly on my husband.
I am fed up of not being allowed to have my own thoughts about faith.

I am fed up with not being allowed to be a person in my own right.

Feed my sheep

2010-02-03T14:48:00.000-08:00

"Feed my sheep" is a phrase I'm only too familiar with as a pastor's wife. It's what my husband is told he's supposed to do. It's also what Jesus told Peter to do, as well as "Feed my lambs".
Oddly enough, I'd never really though much about the difference. I think I assumed it was just for the sake of variety. But it's starting to take on a different significance...

I have no farming background, so my apologies if what follows is incorrect. But I know that sometimes lambs, especially new-born ones, have to be taken into the house, kept warm, and given milk via a bottle.
Contrast this with sheep. The job there is to take them to fields of new grass. The sheep can then get on and eat it. You don't have to pull up handfuls of the stuff and give it to them a mouthful at a time. You simply get them into the right environment, and let them do the rest.

Hand-feeding is obviously labour-intensive and time-consuming. But you assume that eventually it will no longer be needed. Then all you will need to do is lead the way to a field with good pasture and safe boundaries, and, for the most part, let the sheep get on with it. Obviously if there are particular dangers or if one is injured or struggling, then you have a responsibility to intervene. But otherwise, you should be able to leave the sheep there, and go back to making sure the lambs pull through.

So how come so many people who are supposedly mature in the faith still demand to be personally bottle-fed by the pastor and complain if they're not?
How difficult is it for a sheep to learn to eat grass???

unforgiveness

2010-02-01T04:58:00.000-08:00

Never mind 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I think I've gone about 2 miles back. It's not good being a pastor's wife who feels sick at the thought of church....
The hurt and anger against certain people and situations within the congregation are spilling over into the whole concept of "church", and worse still are spilling over onto God.
Currently, I don't want to engage with God, because that reminds me of the whole mess. I'm trying to ignore/ forget about the situation so that I can vaguely function. But it's an ongoing situation, and every time something new happens, it brings it all up.
I committed myself to following Jesus, whatever the cost. Right now, that cost is high. If I didn't take trying to imitate his life as a pattern for my own, the cost would be much less. Forgiveness does not come easy, especially when you are still hurting.
Sometimes I wish I followed a God who smites people, rather than one who, when in agony nailed to a cross, prayed for forgiveness for the perpetrators...

1 step forward, 2 back

2010-01-24T13:32:00.000-08:00

Well, this forgiveness business seems to be a case of 1 step forward, 2 back. Just when I think things are under control and I am managing to forgive the people concerned, something happens and I realise the hurt and feeling of injustice is still there. I suppose that's inevitable given that the situation is ongoing. But it had never occurred to me before that when Jesus said to forgive 70 times 7, it might refer to a single event. That a daily decision (sometimes an hourly decision) to forgive may be required. That forgiving is an ongoing recurrent repeated decision.
Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever heard that passage preached that way. The preachers I've heard seem to think forgiveness is a one-off event, that once you forgive, you automatically forget. Therefore the forgiving 70 times 7 refers to different events.

Currently, I'm still trying to forgive a particular episode. Only another 484 times to go ;-)

Forgiveness part 2

2010-01-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

A story..... (with apologies to Matt 18:23-28)

Once there was a king who decided to check on his servants' accounts. He had just begun to do so when one of tem was brought in who owed him millions of pounds. The servant did not have enough to pay his debt, so the king ordered him to be sold as a slave, with his wife and children and all that he had, in order to pay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before the king. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay you everything!'. The king felt sorry for him, so he forgave him the debt and let him go.
Then this man went out and met one of his fellow-servants who owed him a few pounds. 'Pay me back what you owe me,' he said.
But the other servant said 'I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't owe you anything. I don't need to make any kind of restitution to you, because there's no reason to. If you think there is, you're mistaken and it's your problem, not mine.'

so what happens next?
does the forgiven servant forgive?
do they demand justice?
do they just give up, as they're obviously not going to get anywhere, so what's the point?

Forgiveness part 1

2010-01-08T14:01:00.000-08:00

Forgiveness has become a very important issue recently. Not just for myself, but for some of my close friends too (for different reasons).
So - are there different levels of forgiveness? Are some easier than others?

I've been thinking about this alot.
It seems that 'small' hurts are easier to forgive than 'big' hurts.
Hurts that I see as accidental are easier to forgive than those I see as deliberate.
It's easier to forgive if there's an apology (or at least an acknowledgement of the hurt).

So how do you forgive someone who has hurt you repeatedly and deeply, who will not acknowledge it, and you have to keep seeing regularly?

That is the killer question my friends and I are struggling with at present. Answers on a postcard please....

Another New Year's resolution broken...

2010-01-06T04:20:00.000-08:00

New Year - why do I bother making resolutions when I know I'll break them? You'd think that I would have learnt by now, but no, I do the same thing every year. I don't think I've ever made it as far as February, but even so, this year's must be some kind of record. And it wasn't that difficult a resolution to keep....

And you'll think it even worse when you know what it was ....

So what was this year's resolution?

To have a 'quiet time' and read the bible every day.
What???? I don't do that already? But I'm a pastor's wife!

I know, I know.
For those of you who have no idea what I'm on about, a 'quiet time' is a time you deliberately set aside to pray and read the bible. In the evangelical circles I grew up in, it was considered essential - to the extent that it was doubtful that you were really a Christian if you didn't have one every day. It could last 5-30 minutes, and it didn't really matter if you got nothing out of it, as long as you did it.
Being a somewhat rebellious sort, I have never done this. That's not saying I haven't read the bible - I have - all of it! It's not saying I don't pray - I do, every day.

But for some reason I thought that maybe I should try reading the bible more regularly this year.
I was organised - I got a set of bible reading notes written by Jeff Lucas, whose stuff I find funny, authentic and insightful. I had my bible by my bed (although it usually lives there, gathering dust). I even managed to do the first one - which was for the whole weekend.
Then came Monday. I had an extremely demanding day at work, compounded by having a longer shift than normal (because it was a public holiday), and a drive home in the snow. So by the time I got home it was late, I was tired and bed was calling. 'Goodnight God' was the extent of my quiet time.

And so another resolution got broken....

Something new for the new year

2010-01-05T10:00:00.000-08:00

Having been reading various blogs for a while now, I thought I might try starting one. I've no idea how this will turn out, but here goes....

First of all, apologies for being anonymous, but being identifiable would potentially cause alot of problems (not least for my husband!). So - I'm married to a minister of religion. That's something which brings its own frustrations and limitations. I'm sure these differ from denomination to denomination, but equally there must be alot of issues in common.

So I'm hoping this blog will be a space to explore some "God-stuff" and maybe even get some feedback!

Oh, and the views I express are not necessarily shared by my husband. I do actually have a brain of my own, and I'm not scared to use it ;-)