rug-less

The rug has been pulled out from under us.
We have no choice.
We can't disagree, because that would show insufficient humility and therefore prove we're not fit to be in ministry.

Looks like I got my wish of not having to go to church ever again. I should have remembered "Be careful what you wish for, it might come true"

that was just a temporary blip....

This is probably going to be the worst Easter I have experienced.
Church mess continues. One of the leaders seems to be deliberately setting hubby up to fail, and then taking great delight in pointing out all his faults in such a way that he takes the rap.
I have to be at services tonight and Sunday morning as I am the pianist.
Another Saturday church prayer meeting at 9am (9am!!! and hubby's day off!!!) to pray about the future of the church. Not much in the way of listening to God has happened so far at any of these.
Oh, and we have just been informed about a meeting with various other people next week. Do not understand the purpose of the meeting (certainly not from the composition of people involved)or why it is happening. Suffice it to say that we have been told not to discuss it with anyone, and our future here looks extremely uncertain.

And in all of this, who gives us any support? We are both on antidepressants, both having counselling (but the counsellors are off on holiday for the next 2 weeks) and have been told not to talk about it to anyone.

I really really wish I didn't follow a God who got crucified and then told me to follow him.
I wish I wasn't the pastor's wife and could just leave and never go near a church again.

something to smile about!

I've been reading back over this blog, and it strikes me it's pretty depressing. But there's a ray of hope...
Someone who has been coming to our church for a couple of years decided to commit their life to following Jesus. Which is brilliant :-)
But even more brilliant (from my perspective) is that they told mr pastasmissus that his preaching had really helped them to get to that point :-)
So mr pastasmissus has been bouncing around with random outbursts of 'God's amazing!' or equivalent and feels this is God confirming that we should stay here, despite the rubbish that's been going on.

Me, I think God is pretty amazing too!!! :-))))

censorship

My husband used to have a blog. It was open to anyone to read. His name was on it, so he was extremely careful in what he put on it. It appears this isn't enough.
Some of the church leadership accused him of using it to try to divide the church. They also complained he was putting inappropriate things on it (although what exactly those things were does not seem to have been explained).
So now he no longer has a blog.

I am extremely annoyed by this. I think of all the things he COULD have said (and didn't) about what has been happening, and the extremely unChristian behaviour that has been going on. I also think of all the efforts he has made towards reconciliation with the leaders, none of which have been taken up.
And I am extremely angry that it seems that no-one can hold the church leadership to account for making our lives hell for the past year. That they can slander my husband and get away with it. And that it has now got to a point where if he says something, it is twisted into meaning something completely different. If he said the opposite, that would be just as bad. And if he said nothing, that would prove he doesn't care. In short, it doesn't matter what he does, as far as the leadership is concerned, it's wrong.

Cleaning the oven....

Yesterday we cleaned the oven. Not a big deal, you might think. You hadn't seen it. The bottom was covered in black welded-on bits of unrecognisable charcoal that had once been food (probably mostly cheese which has an amazing tendency to leap off the side of the pizza).
To be honest, I hate housework. The only time it gets done is just before people are coming round. And my husband isn't any more fond of it than I am. Hence the state of the oven, which hadn't been cleaned for ** months (no, I'm NOT going to put in the true number!).
So, having bought the industrial-strength oven cleaning stuff, we finally worked out a night when we wouldn't be using the oven. I duly applied the foam, and then left it to work its magic. Except you're supposed to clean it off after 2 hours, and I forgot until 4 hours later. I was half afraid it might have burnt a hole through the bottom of the oven, but it hadn't. Despite the claims on the can, it hadn't removed all the gunge either. Nothing for it but to try again. And again, I forgot when it was time. This time, hubby remembered after 3 hours, and volunteered to remove the debris.
So now the oven is considerably cleaner than before, but still has various charcoal additions which don't want to come off...

It got me thinking. How much rubbish do I carry around with me that eventually becomes so stuck that it's almost impossible for God to remove? Why don't I have a good clean out more often when I know things are easier to deal with before they become cemented on?
And how can I persuade someone else to do the housework? ;-)

encouragement

As you may have gathered from various posts, things are somewhat difficult for me and my husband right now. Sundays can be especially hard. Last night we both collapsed into heap in front of some very silly snowy olympic sports on the telly (ski-cross really does have to be seen to be believed).
To our surprise we had a phone call from a friend who is a pastor in one of the old Iron Curtain countries. I had emailed him a few weeks ago to ask the family to pray for us and outlined a little of the problems we were facing. He phoned to find out how we were and to encourage us to stay faithful to God, no matter what.
To have this from someone who has lived most of their life with the uncertainty of whether today would be the day the secret police came, and still remained faithful to God, was amazing. It was also extremely humbling.

Bullying

I came across this website:
http://www.balmnet.co.uk/index.htm

It defines bullying of clergy as "Any unreasonable behaviour towards Christian ministers which undermines their ministry, causes excessive stress, and threatens their health, eg. constant criticism, shouting, threats, manipulation, lack of respect for time off, unrealistic expectations, lack of support, and even on occasions physical violence."

And the results of this? "Prolonged negative stress can cause anxiety, fatigue, trauma, social phobia, poor concentration, anger, irritability, loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, depression, family breakdown, isolation, loss of faith, church phobia, frequent illness, prolonged absence from work, and in severe cases an end to ministry altogether."

From what I've witnessed, most of those examples of bullying apply to our situation (although not shouting or physical violence). I think having the leadership tell you you are incompetent and should resign counts as "lack of support"... (No, he's not brilliant at everything (who is?), but his preaching is outstanding and he's great in emergencies)
And as for the results: almost all apply. I've not lost my faith in God, but am finding my faith in the church severely tested. And it puts me off interacting with God, because that reminds me of the whole awful mess...

Why are we still here? Why don't we just leave?
Because we still think God called and is calling us to be here. Because we still have the vision for the church. Because we know there are others who share that vision.
I wish God would call us somewhere else. I'd miss my friends. I don't like change. But it's getting to the stage where I don't know how much more we can take.
Then I think of all those Christians who have sacrificed so much more for their faith, who have kept their faith despite persecution (even to death).
Does it make a difference if your persecutors are within your own church???