not me

For the past 2-3 weeks I've been keeping people at arms' length. A friend said that "I've not been me". Whereas I think I have been me, it's just I've been the part of me that I don't like and usually sit on rather hard. I know that inside me is a rather obnoxious part, that says things better left unsaid, upsets people very easily and doesn't really care. I normally manage not to let that part of me out, but I know it's there.
Recently I've just not had the energy to squash it. Consequently I've been avoiding people - I've found it's better to do that than to end up saying things which will cause upset and devastation (both to them and to me when I get back to normal).
But today I seem to be back to 'normal' - or at least what passes for normal with me - mrpastasmissus will be very relieved!

Psalms

Well, I decided it was time to get back to doing some official theology study, so I've enrolled on an online course. Currently I'm doing a module on Psalms. Bits of it are quite interesting, other bits seem rather far-fetched (just where is the evidence for annual cultic enthronement ceremonies, Mr Mowinckel???) and some parts resonate quite strongly.

Certainly what we have been through has allowed me to appreciate some of the more 'vicious' psalms in a way I never had before. I recognised the desperate demand that God should do something, because (1) I was in a mess (2) all human resources had failed (3) we were trying to do what God wanted (4) we were in this mess BECAUSE we were trying to stay obedient, rather than give in to the demands of others (ie it was God's fault) (5) the situation was bringing God into disrepute (6) it would take a miracle, but the Bible is stuffed full of God doing miracles...
and then afterwards, the wish for revenge on those that had done this to us... (which I think I'm now over).

It has been good to read psalms of lament (or disorientation if you prefer). Getting cross with God and praying no hold barred is not something we usually experience in church. In fact, I've been told that it's disrespectful. I've never stopped praying that way when I needed to, just not done it out loud.

This quote seemed to sum things up: "This polarity of praise and lament is different from the familiar polarity of petition and thanksgiving in our modern prayers. The arc which the pendulum makes as it swings between the poles of lament and praise is much greater than that between petition and thanksgiving". (Westermann, The Psalms: Structure, Content and Message p11)

Is our praying anaemic because we're not really that bothered about most of the stuff we pray about?

virtuous

Just now I am feeling extremely virtuous. (That looks extremely strange spelling, but I have just checked it, so think it's right.) Having procrastinated for the last 2 days, and covered our living room floor in multiple piles of paper, I have finally done my tax return! And, even better, the tax man owes me money :-)
And I think that's my first resolution of this New Year - to do my tax return earlier next year. Of course, like all New Year's resolutions, I'm sure it will get broken, but at least it will take me the whole year to break it!

that was the year that was

The snow let up enough for us to make it to my parents' for Christmas. It was nice, but very odd - it's the first time I've been there at Christmas in 15 years. They still live in the same house I grew up in, so all my memories of childhood Christmasses came back. It was very strange not having my grandparents and Uncle there (they have died in that time).
So now we're back home, and it's the end of 2010.
I shan't be sad to see the back of it. During the year I have had a severely depressed husband, been severely depressed myself, watched from the sidelines as other people made major decisions affecting my life without involving me in them, had my home taken from me, lost my church, realised people I thought were friends weren't, seen my husband become unemployed and the difficulty in finding any kind of job, face the whole unfairness of the church system which treats ministers in a way which would not be tolerated in a secular job (not least because they'd get sued), and deal with subtle evil hidden behind smiling faces which was not recognised by others despite being pointed out.
On the plus side: we have a lovely new house, mrPM has a short-term job he quite likes, I still have a job, finances are working out much better than I had anticipated, mrPM is no longer depressed and I am stable again, we are out of the toxic situation, my response to the whole business of becoming out-of-pastorate has triggered alot of discussion at high levels which should mean others will not be put in the same position. We also had a super summer holiday with friends which was really special for all of us. Oh, and God taught me alot about forgiveness, perseverance, doing what is right rather than what is easy, and following Him whatever the cost.

And I've made some new friends thanks to this blog!

Hopefully (oops -that should be God willing) 2011 will be better
Happy New Year (and a belated Happy Christmas)

question

Last week we (mrPM and I) went to a different church, some distance away. The whole sermon was about how much God loves us. No qualification, no threats, no mention of hell. It was wonderful. And it made me cry.
Why does hearing how much God loves me make me cry?

procrastinating

We have had alot of snow! I have discovered muscles I didn't know existed...
Today, it's not actually snowing for a change, just being very cold and pretty. I'm admiring it from inside, having been out earlier, only to find there is no salt anywhere in the town. (Nor snowshovels).
So I might finally get round to writing Christmas cards this afternoon. I've been putting it off for the last few days, but I really should get them done. But it's hard to know how to explain what has happened over the past year and why we have had to move.
Talking of Christmas cards, there are some super e-cards here
http://www.ainvaresart.com/home/

snow on snow

It's been snowing for the past 4 days. On Monday I thought I'd clear the path up to our front door. As we don't currently have a snow shovel. I went to get the spade. Then I remembered mrpastasmissus was out at work, and his car had the spade in it. So I resorted to the yard brush. Not an easy job - all the snow sticks in the bristles and the brush just gets heavier and heavier...
So I sat back to enjoy a coffee while my back and arms recovered from the unaccustomed exertion, and what did I see out of the window? It was SNOWING again!
So on Tuesday, I cleared the path again and treated myself to a soak in our lovely deep bath to ease the back muscles. And I emerged to find it was SNOWING again.
Today I just haven't bothered!!!