mrPM update

MrPM is home and back to normal. We both feel extra-ordinarily blessed that this has been the outcome. The possibility of less favourable outcomes was something we were both very aware of. So was he lucky? Or was it prayer? Or was it both at once?
I really don't understand how prayer works - I'm too aware of the times when it appears not to work.
So it's difficult knowing how to describe my feelings about our situation. Lucky? Fortunate? Blessed? Something alomg those lines, anyway...

off God...

Not posted for a while, partially due to other things (being busy and then a week's holiday), but mostly because I'm having an "off God" spell.
During such spells I still talk to God, but it goes under the classification of 'muttering at God' (MAG for short) rather than prayer. The whole point of MaGs is to allow me to delude myself into thinking I'm still communicating with God, while simultaneously ignoring Him.
You mean you've never heard one of those conversations where both people take it in turns to talk, but neither actually listens to what the other is saying? Although, presumably God still listens to my drivel...
Why am I off God? Partly it's just the way I am - I tend to go through cycles of being very intense and then not being particularly bothered. And, partly, I suspect, because I'm working on my current module: the Pentateuch. It has to be said that on just reading it all straight through, God really does not come out of it very well. I think 'genocidal megalomaniac' was the phrase MrPM used... There are bits where God does appear to be a kid having a tantrum who is going to take his ball home if he doesn't get his way ;-)

So what do I do about it? Being aware of it is a start. I'm arranging to meet up with a friend to pray (a proper pray involving vulnerability and listening to God) - not that I want to, but I know I need to. Said friend knows me well enough to hold me to account and not let me get away with stuff. And then, I go and read some fiction to get back to focussing on Jesus - probably the Penelope Wilcock 'The Hawk and the Dove' trilogy. Or the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Both still makes me cry, despite having read them loads of times.

Psalms

Well, I decided it was time to get back to doing some official theology study, so I've enrolled on an online course. Currently I'm doing a module on Psalms. Bits of it are quite interesting, other bits seem rather far-fetched (just where is the evidence for annual cultic enthronement ceremonies, Mr Mowinckel???) and some parts resonate quite strongly.

Certainly what we have been through has allowed me to appreciate some of the more 'vicious' psalms in a way I never had before. I recognised the desperate demand that God should do something, because (1) I was in a mess (2) all human resources had failed (3) we were trying to do what God wanted (4) we were in this mess BECAUSE we were trying to stay obedient, rather than give in to the demands of others (ie it was God's fault) (5) the situation was bringing God into disrepute (6) it would take a miracle, but the Bible is stuffed full of God doing miracles...
and then afterwards, the wish for revenge on those that had done this to us... (which I think I'm now over).

It has been good to read psalms of lament (or disorientation if you prefer). Getting cross with God and praying no hold barred is not something we usually experience in church. In fact, I've been told that it's disrespectful. I've never stopped praying that way when I needed to, just not done it out loud.

This quote seemed to sum things up: "This polarity of praise and lament is different from the familiar polarity of petition and thanksgiving in our modern prayers. The arc which the pendulum makes as it swings between the poles of lament and praise is much greater than that between petition and thanksgiving". (Westermann, The Psalms: Structure, Content and Message p11)

Is our praying anaemic because we're not really that bothered about most of the stuff we pray about?

avoiding God

I'm busy avoiding God at present. It's not been that difficult with Guide camp occupying so much time and attention (and then the aftermath of recovering!). I thought I was just doing my usual thing of being busy and waving at God in passing, so to speak.
The trouble is, I don't avoid God completely. That would be too obvious. I talk to him a bit, general chat about what I'm up to, or what's bothering me, or that I'm too tired/busy to talk properly. Then if people ask me how things are going with God, I can tell them I'm still talking to him every day... Actually, it's more of a talking AT him...
And those who really know me know that the issue is not if I am talking to God, but if I am listening to him. Whether I am giving him a chance to get a word in edgeways and possibly disturb my life by telling me something I didn't want to hear.
But at present I don't think I want to give God a chance. Particularly as the last time I prayed like that I was shocked to find that I was blaming God for the way things have turned out, and for giving me false hope when he knew all along what would happen.
If, by definition, what God does is right, then my job is simply to accept that fact. At present, I can't. Oh, I still believe God can use this for good. But how do you go on trusting when you feel you've been let down? And how do you do it knowing that technically you haven't been let down, and therefore there is nothing for the other to apologise for?

prayer

Well, we survived the service this morning - the reading was 1 John 4:7-21. This was my closing prayer:

Lord
We let you down so often.
We do things which hurt you.
We say things which do not reflect you.
And we think things which dishonour you.

We hurt other people - people made in YOUR image.
Sometimes accidentally.
Sometimes because it was the easy option.
And sometimes we do it deliberately
(although we always have a good reason for it).

In all these things we ignore your love:
Your love for us,
Your love for others,
Your love for the world which you created.

We ignore your love because it is uncomfortable.
It is there whether we want it or not.
It absorbs everything we do to try to destroy it.
Even trying to kill it didn't work.

We try to keep your love as a nice idea
Because then we don't need to do anything about it (except maybe tell others)
But you told us to live it out.
To love the way you did
Even if it means a cross.

To love like that is frightening.
To love like that hurts.
But to love like that is what you command.

Help us to obey
Through the power of your Holy Spirit
To the glory of your name
Amen.