encouragement

As you may have gathered from various posts, things are somewhat difficult for me and my husband right now. Sundays can be especially hard. Last night we both collapsed into heap in front of some very silly snowy olympic sports on the telly (ski-cross really does have to be seen to be believed).
To our surprise we had a phone call from a friend who is a pastor in one of the old Iron Curtain countries. I had emailed him a few weeks ago to ask the family to pray for us and outlined a little of the problems we were facing. He phoned to find out how we were and to encourage us to stay faithful to God, no matter what.
To have this from someone who has lived most of their life with the uncertainty of whether today would be the day the secret police came, and still remained faithful to God, was amazing. It was also extremely humbling.

Bullying

I came across this website:
http://www.balmnet.co.uk/index.htm

It defines bullying of clergy as "Any unreasonable behaviour towards Christian ministers which undermines their ministry, causes excessive stress, and threatens their health, eg. constant criticism, shouting, threats, manipulation, lack of respect for time off, unrealistic expectations, lack of support, and even on occasions physical violence."

And the results of this? "Prolonged negative stress can cause anxiety, fatigue, trauma, social phobia, poor concentration, anger, irritability, loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, depression, family breakdown, isolation, loss of faith, church phobia, frequent illness, prolonged absence from work, and in severe cases an end to ministry altogether."

From what I've witnessed, most of those examples of bullying apply to our situation (although not shouting or physical violence). I think having the leadership tell you you are incompetent and should resign counts as "lack of support"... (No, he's not brilliant at everything (who is?), but his preaching is outstanding and he's great in emergencies)
And as for the results: almost all apply. I've not lost my faith in God, but am finding my faith in the church severely tested. And it puts me off interacting with God, because that reminds me of the whole awful mess...

Why are we still here? Why don't we just leave?
Because we still think God called and is calling us to be here. Because we still have the vision for the church. Because we know there are others who share that vision.
I wish God would call us somewhere else. I'd miss my friends. I don't like change. But it's getting to the stage where I don't know how much more we can take.
Then I think of all those Christians who have sacrificed so much more for their faith, who have kept their faith despite persecution (even to death).
Does it make a difference if your persecutors are within your own church???

Lent

Came across this:
"It's no good giving up chocolate for Lent if you continue hating your neighbour".

Does that mean I can start eating chocolate again?

prayer

Well, we survived the service this morning - the reading was 1 John 4:7-21. This was my closing prayer:

Lord
We let you down so often.
We do things which hurt you.
We say things which do not reflect you.
And we think things which dishonour you.

We hurt other people - people made in YOUR image.
Sometimes accidentally.
Sometimes because it was the easy option.
And sometimes we do it deliberately
(although we always have a good reason for it).

In all these things we ignore your love:
Your love for us,
Your love for others,
Your love for the world which you created.

We ignore your love because it is uncomfortable.
It is there whether we want it or not.
It absorbs everything we do to try to destroy it.
Even trying to kill it didn't work.

We try to keep your love as a nice idea
Because then we don't need to do anything about it (except maybe tell others)
But you told us to live it out.
To love the way you did
Even if it means a cross.

To love like that is frightening.
To love like that hurts.
But to love like that is what you command.

Help us to obey
Through the power of your Holy Spirit
To the glory of your name
Amen.

grieving

Following last night's meeting, I am grieving.
Grieving for my husband who was publicly torn to pieces by the leadership.
Grieving for the leadership that they could do it in such a manner.
Grieving for the church that they have such leaders.
Grieving for the local community that we cannot serve them because we are too focused on our internal problems.
Grieving for God as we tear His body apart with our lovelessness.
Grieving for the possibilities of something exciting and new which will now not happen.
Grieving that this fellowship never seem to learn from the past, and still think the only solution to problems is a change of pastor.
And grieving for myself that all my hopes and dreams have been destroyed.

some light relief....

Well, after all that ranting, I think it might be time for some light relief. Bear with the introduction, it's well worth it

Rant

Rant warning:

I am fed up.

I am fed up with my husband not getting a whole day off.
I am fed up with people assuming that he will do things without asking him first.
I am fed up with watching the church treat my husband badly.
I am fed up with church taking over his (and hence my) entire life.

I am fed up of people asking him if I will do things.
I am fed up of not being able to say what I think in case it reflects badly on my husband.
I am fed up of not being allowed to have my own thoughts about faith.

I am fed up with not being allowed to be a person in my own right.