Palm Sunday

I am skiving church today, and will be again next week. It might seem odd to deliberately choose to stay away during the most important time in the church year. But that's the problem. It's the first Easter time since becoming out of pastorate (Easter was earlier last year, and it was mrPMs last service - we had no inkling of that at the time.)
So I am going through all the bereavement stuff of the first whatever since it happened. It feels wrong not to be at the brief ecumenical Palm Sunday service which concludes with parading through the town with the local band, before dropping everyone off at their own places of worship. It would feel even more wrong if I were in a different church with different traditions. I don't think it would be fair on the people at whichever church I ended up at - I would just be resenting them for not being what we had before - which is totally illogical and unjustified.
At least after next Sunday, all the first 'whatevers' will be over, and things will begin to get a bit easier.

theology course

I got my psalms essay back - not too bad, but it seems I sit on the fence far too much, and am supposed to give my own opinion. I suppose that's only to be expected as I come from a scientific background. Oh well, now I know...
Next essay on OT writings is on Ecclesiastes. I'm one of those odd people who likes Ecclesiastes - it cheers me up to know there's someone more depressed than I am - but I can only deal with it in small bits. Too much at once makes me more depressed. So it's going slowly.
In the meantime, I've started another module - Evangelism in contemporary society. (It's a compulsory module - no way would I be doing it otherwise!) It is going to be very hard going, as I seem to be coming from a different planet to the standard evangelical take on things. And it's not made easier by the word "evangelism" bringing me out in a (metaphorical) rash, and memories of a booklet called "Journey into life" - anyone else remember that? I loathed it with a vengeance then, and it seems to still be the standard tract model. In other words, the "gospel" is as follows:
God really really loves you, but you are so awful that he has to punish you in hell forever. The only way you can escape this is to accept Jesus as your "get out of hell free" card. There is nothing else you can do about the situation - only bloodshed and death will do. If you don't accept Jesus, then you know the consequences.

I've just read "Love Wins" by Rob Bell. And while there are bits of it I think are superficial, I really don't understand what all the fuss was about - he's not saying anything new. But the reason for bringing that particular book up is that he says we can have all the programs and trendy stuff we like, but if our concept of God is off, we will not reach people. And the idea that Jesus rescues us from an angry Father who is waiting to fry us (out of love because we deserve it, of course) is not the reality of God. Unfortunately it seems to be there in the background of so much of what passes for the "gospel".

a year on

It's a year since mrPM had to resign from pastorate. He was preaching for the first time since then on Sunday. It went well, despite half his notes falling on the floor part-way through the sermon. I assumed they were the ones he had already preached on, as he didn't stop and pick them up, but he told me afterwards that they were actually the bit he hadn't got to! Which I think confirms that this is something he should be doing.
I found it odd that he was preaching and I hadn't put the order of service together. We had got quite good at working together - he would give me a rough idea of his theme and I would put the order of service together, then he led it and I supported by playing piano. Although on paper it looked like the standard hymn/prayer sandwich, it never felt like that in practice - there was a starting point and then it all flowed through to the response at the end. That is something I do miss.
So how am I coping? Still not settled in a church, never mind a small group. Still talking to God (and even listening occasionally). Still taking the tablets and still feeling pretty wobbly alot of the time. And I still avoid going back to where we used to live - I meet friends who live there somewhere else. But I'm coping with work, which is something.
So now it's a case of waiting and seeing what happens next.

Barchester Towers

Mrpastasmissus and I have just finished watching the DVD Barchester Chronicles - a dramatization of Trollope's books 'The Warden' and 'Barchester Towers'. It was first broadcast in 1981, and I have dim memories of watching it first time round.
It's well worth watching to see Alan Rickman as the unctuous Mr Slope, and Geraldine McEwan as the unstoppable Mrs Proudie who is magnificent in full sail.
(Although it has to be said if I tried to behave like that to mrpastasmissus I would be in BIIIIIG trouble ;-) )

Sunday morning

I have a confession - I skived church this morning. But I have had a more productive time with God instead, so I don't feel bad about it.
Mrpastasmissus and I had a long chat this morning, talking about pastorate, and our fears and potential problems, and what we've learnt through what happened. We have realised we both have a whole new pile of buttons the other can now press unwittingly. It was good to talk through stuff together.
My exegesis of Psalm 84 which had ground to a halt had been looming over me from the bookcase all week. Unfortunately it's been a week when I've not had enough brain power or motivation to do anything with it. But this morning I felt I could get it done, and I now have!
So that's the first of my essays submitted :-)))
Off to celebrate with some chocolate (it's as good an excuse as any) ;-)

job

At present I'm supposed to be writing a 1000 word exegesis on Psalm 84, but have got rather bogged down in it. Having done a diploma in British Sign Language and Interpreting, I tend to get rather involved in the translation theory side of stuff, which I don't think is quite the point of exegesis. So I'm procrastinating by carrying on with the rest of the module on OT wisdom, which means I've got to Job.
I think I'd always assumed the book of Job was about 'why do bad things happen to good people?' or 'where is God when it hurts?' - which it doesn't really answer. But having read it again, it strikes me that Job is actually about the following questions:
Do I only worship God for what I get out of it?
How deep does my faith actually go? Will I still worship God when everything falls apart?

Thinking about what we've been through and my reaction makes me wonder. I'm not sure that worship is necessarily the right word for my response, and I certainly did not accept the situation gladly. However, my conviction that God is God and I'm not persists. And I have discovered an inner core of steel in my determination to do what I believe He wants regardless of the cost to myself. Because if my faith means anything, it has to mean everything.

not me

For the past 2-3 weeks I've been keeping people at arms' length. A friend said that "I've not been me". Whereas I think I have been me, it's just I've been the part of me that I don't like and usually sit on rather hard. I know that inside me is a rather obnoxious part, that says things better left unsaid, upsets people very easily and doesn't really care. I normally manage not to let that part of me out, but I know it's there.
Recently I've just not had the energy to squash it. Consequently I've been avoiding people - I've found it's better to do that than to end up saying things which will cause upset and devastation (both to them and to me when I get back to normal).
But today I seem to be back to 'normal' - or at least what passes for normal with me - mrpastasmissus will be very relieved!