choices

The last couple of weeks have not been particularly good ones for me. I have been angry (although when asked why or with whom, I couldn't specify). I also tended to cry for no obvious reason. And I was having major issues with God.
Feeling that somehow God has let me down and therefore can't be trusted is an all too familiar temptation for me, going right back to when I first became a Christian. I was a teenager at the time, and the prevailing theology I had picked up was that if you prayed for something hard enough and believed 'properly', then God would do it. The brother of a girl in my class had leukaemia. So I prayed - fervent, naive, trusting prayer. A month later, he died.
This had a huge impact on my relationship with God (the Father) for the next 20 years. Yes, I came to understand that it was bad theology, that God's ways are not our ways, that He knows what's best etc etc. But deep inside there was still that little niggle from a devastated teenager that God could not be trusted.
I stayed a Christian because Jesus was different, being a fellow victim and sufferer. In that way, projecting all the bad stuff onto God the Father at least allowed me to keep some kind of faith.

I think last year was the first time I again took the risk of trusting God by praying in that way - not that I didn't pray, it was just always slightly guarded - why give God another chance to disappoint me? After all, if I don't ask, I can't be let down. I prayed for a friend to be healed from a chronic illness that was causing considerable pain and difficulty. I expected a miracle. In the end, it did all get sorted out, but through major surgery - not quite what I had expected. I again had to live with God apparently letting me down. At that time I made a conscious choice that I would NOT react the way I had before, that I would continue trusting God.

And now with the recent situation I find myself having to choose again. We prayed so hard about our church situation, and believed God was telling us to stay. Right up to the very last minute I was expecting God to intervene somehow - to do a miracle, cause an outbreak of mass repentance. It didn't happen. So, what do I do this time?
I have a choice: I can either stay bitter and resentful about what happened, and become cynical and mistrusting of God; or I can decide to trust God, and use this as an opportunity to learn and practice Christ-likeness.

I can't alter what has happened. What I can do is realise that the way in which I respond to this shows how deep my faith actually goes. It's only when things get tough that you discover what you really believe and who you really are.