forgiveness

When I first started this blog, forgiveness was an issue I and some of my friends were struggling with. For me, not forgiving has been an ongoing problem. When you are trying to address unjust systems (which I hope I would have done anyway if I had been aware of the issues), how do you separate the genuine desire for justice and fairness from the personal desire for revenge?

In an earlier blog, I said that "I'm sorry" seemed to be difficult words for some people. I personally don't find them particularly difficult. Neither do I find asking for forgiveness. But to say "I forgive you" to someone who has hurt you badly and not asked for your forgiveness - for me, that is very difficult.

I was at a big church thing recently, as was someone I had had major issues with over the whole sequence of events that led to mrpastasmissus becoming an expastor. I had been doing my best to avoid them, and did so quite well, until the communion time. During the sessions we had heard alot about people who died for being obedient to God, and how what we really believe is shown by what we DO rather than what we say. So God took the opportunity to impress upon me that if I was serious about my faith, I needed to forgive this person. Not easy, I thought, but I can try (thinking I'll keep it all to myself and only God and I will know...) But that would have been getting off too lightly - I had to go over to this person and tell them "I forgive you".
I still don't know how I physically did it, but somehow it happened. They were extremely gracious about it, which helped alot.
The upshot of it is that it feels as though a weight has been lifted, and I am amazed that I did something which was so difficult for me without arguing (much!) with God.
Maybe I am getting a bit better at this whole following Jesus business?

more chocolate

Having eventually got to the stage of thinking I was getting somewhere with dealing with all the mess that's happened, we got a letter from one of the higher-up-ones who was directly involved in it all. And all the anger came flooding back...
Well, actually, not ALL of it, just alot of it. Mr pastasmissus said I was reading said letter with my very negative filter firmly in place, which is probably true. And he asked me what I was going to do with my anger.
My answer of cry, eat chocolate and wait for a bit and then somehow take it before God didn't seem to go down terribly well. I did point out that at least I was directing it outward, which is a definite improvement on turning it into thoughts of self-harm (don't worry,I don't actually self-harm, just think about it).
Taking it before God is going to be a challenge. I don't WANT to forgive. I want to carry on being angry, because then I can feel self-righteous. How come I think forgiveness is a great idea when it's me on the receiving end, but not if I'm not? And that's not just about me forgiving someone, it also applies to God forgiving them too. Am I really vindictive enough to want God to not forgive them? In which case, am I forgiveable? (A particularly pointed thought of "forgive us our trespasses, AS we forgive those who trespass against us" comes to mind.)
I'll get there in the end. In the meantime, it's done me good to get some of it out. And now I'm off to overcome some Gates of Hell :-)

unforgiveness

Never mind 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I think I've gone about 2 miles back. It's not good being a pastor's wife who feels sick at the thought of church....
The hurt and anger against certain people and situations within the congregation are spilling over into the whole concept of "church", and worse still are spilling over onto God.
Currently, I don't want to engage with God, because that reminds me of the whole mess. I'm trying to ignore/ forget about the situation so that I can vaguely function. But it's an ongoing situation, and every time something new happens, it brings it all up.
I committed myself to following Jesus, whatever the cost. Right now, that cost is high. If I didn't take trying to imitate his life as a pattern for my own, the cost would be much less. Forgiveness does not come easy, especially when you are still hurting.
Sometimes I wish I followed a God who smites people, rather than one who, when in agony nailed to a cross, prayed for forgiveness for the perpetrators...

1 step forward, 2 back

Well, this forgiveness business seems to be a case of 1 step forward, 2 back. Just when I think things are under control and I am managing to forgive the people concerned, something happens and I realise the hurt and feeling of injustice is still there. I suppose that's inevitable given that the situation is ongoing. But it had never occurred to me before that when Jesus said to forgive 70 times 7, it might refer to a single event. That a daily decision (sometimes an hourly decision) to forgive may be required. That forgiving is an ongoing recurrent repeated decision.
Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever heard that passage preached that way. The preachers I've heard seem to think forgiveness is a one-off event, that once you forgive, you automatically forget. Therefore the forgiving 70 times 7 refers to different events.

Currently, I'm still trying to forgive a particular episode. Only another 484 times to go ;-)

Forgiveness part 1

Forgiveness has become a very important issue recently. Not just for myself, but for some of my close friends too (for different reasons).
So - are there different levels of forgiveness? Are some easier than others?

I've been thinking about this alot.
It seems that 'small' hurts are easier to forgive than 'big' hurts.
Hurts that I see as accidental are easier to forgive than those I see as deliberate.
It's easier to forgive if there's an apology (or at least an acknowledgement of the hurt).

So how do you forgive someone who has hurt you repeatedly and deeply, who will not acknowledge it, and you have to keep seeing regularly?

That is the killer question my friends and I are struggling with at present. Answers on a postcard please....