Lent

Came across this:
"It's no good giving up chocolate for Lent if you continue hating your neighbour".

Does that mean I can start eating chocolate again?

prayer

Well, we survived the service this morning - the reading was 1 John 4:7-21. This was my closing prayer:

Lord
We let you down so often.
We do things which hurt you.
We say things which do not reflect you.
And we think things which dishonour you.

We hurt other people - people made in YOUR image.
Sometimes accidentally.
Sometimes because it was the easy option.
And sometimes we do it deliberately
(although we always have a good reason for it).

In all these things we ignore your love:
Your love for us,
Your love for others,
Your love for the world which you created.

We ignore your love because it is uncomfortable.
It is there whether we want it or not.
It absorbs everything we do to try to destroy it.
Even trying to kill it didn't work.

We try to keep your love as a nice idea
Because then we don't need to do anything about it (except maybe tell others)
But you told us to live it out.
To love the way you did
Even if it means a cross.

To love like that is frightening.
To love like that hurts.
But to love like that is what you command.

Help us to obey
Through the power of your Holy Spirit
To the glory of your name
Amen.

grieving

Following last night's meeting, I am grieving.
Grieving for my husband who was publicly torn to pieces by the leadership.
Grieving for the leadership that they could do it in such a manner.
Grieving for the church that they have such leaders.
Grieving for the local community that we cannot serve them because we are too focused on our internal problems.
Grieving for God as we tear His body apart with our lovelessness.
Grieving for the possibilities of something exciting and new which will now not happen.
Grieving that this fellowship never seem to learn from the past, and still think the only solution to problems is a change of pastor.
And grieving for myself that all my hopes and dreams have been destroyed.

some light relief....

Well, after all that ranting, I think it might be time for some light relief. Bear with the introduction, it's well worth it

Rant

Rant warning:

I am fed up.

I am fed up with my husband not getting a whole day off.
I am fed up with people assuming that he will do things without asking him first.
I am fed up with watching the church treat my husband badly.
I am fed up with church taking over his (and hence my) entire life.

I am fed up of people asking him if I will do things.
I am fed up of not being able to say what I think in case it reflects badly on my husband.
I am fed up of not being allowed to have my own thoughts about faith.

I am fed up with not being allowed to be a person in my own right.

Feed my sheep

"Feed my sheep" is a phrase I'm only too familiar with as a pastor's wife. It's what my husband is told he's supposed to do. It's also what Jesus told Peter to do, as well as "Feed my lambs".
Oddly enough, I'd never really though much about the difference. I think I assumed it was just for the sake of variety. But it's starting to take on a different significance...

I have no farming background, so my apologies if what follows is incorrect. But I know that sometimes lambs, especially new-born ones, have to be taken into the house, kept warm, and given milk via a bottle.
Contrast this with sheep. The job there is to take them to fields of new grass. The sheep can then get on and eat it. You don't have to pull up handfuls of the stuff and give it to them a mouthful at a time. You simply get them into the right environment, and let them do the rest.

Hand-feeding is obviously labour-intensive and time-consuming. But you assume that eventually it will no longer be needed. Then all you will need to do is lead the way to a field with good pasture and safe boundaries, and, for the most part, let the sheep get on with it. Obviously if there are particular dangers or if one is injured or struggling, then you have a responsibility to intervene. But otherwise, you should be able to leave the sheep there, and go back to making sure the lambs pull through.

So how come so many people who are supposedly mature in the faith still demand to be personally bottle-fed by the pastor and complain if they're not?
How difficult is it for a sheep to learn to eat grass???

unforgiveness

Never mind 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I think I've gone about 2 miles back. It's not good being a pastor's wife who feels sick at the thought of church....
The hurt and anger against certain people and situations within the congregation are spilling over into the whole concept of "church", and worse still are spilling over onto God.
Currently, I don't want to engage with God, because that reminds me of the whole mess. I'm trying to ignore/ forget about the situation so that I can vaguely function. But it's an ongoing situation, and every time something new happens, it brings it all up.
I committed myself to following Jesus, whatever the cost. Right now, that cost is high. If I didn't take trying to imitate his life as a pattern for my own, the cost would be much less. Forgiveness does not come easy, especially when you are still hurting.
Sometimes I wish I followed a God who smites people, rather than one who, when in agony nailed to a cross, prayed for forgiveness for the perpetrators...