church - helpful or harmful?

So I am trying to settle in to a new church. It's not easy. The people seem nice (but so did the people in our last church, and it turned out to be a veneer for public consumption only with some of them). Our musical gifts are in demand, and I can be as involved as I want. So what's the problem?
Quite simply, the theology: There are 2 types of people. If you're a Christian, then you're saved and will go to heaven when you die. If you're not, then you go to hell.
I know this is orthodox theology. But I have problems with (1) a one-off decision being the be-all-and-end-all (2) 'saved' meaning rescued from the penalty of sin which God himself had ordained (3) 'heaven' being somewhere where you go when you die.
I have problems with these issues anyway, as my understanding is that Jesus calls me to follow him, to be transformed into his likeness, to share his path of suffering and to work with him in establishing the kingdom of heaven here and now. All of which is an ongoing process.

But at present, it's not just an intellectual problem, it's an emotional one too. Because of the events that led to me becoming the missus of an ex-pastor and because I have depression, it is very easy for me to start seeing God (the Father) as someone who is judgemental, vengeful and sadistic. So having God presented as a judge who demands death for everyone (for breaking a rule that He set up in the first place, KNOWING it would not be kept) really does not help. Oh yes, I forgot the bit that says 'but because he loves you so much he provided a way out, but unless you do it exactly right you'll fail'. Well, thanks! Why set up such a stupid system in the first place?
Telling me about a judgemental God and a forensic explanation of the atonement really does not help me. Tell me about a God who is passionate about the world he created, to the extent that he keeps it going even while it is in rebellion against him, and actually becomes a part of that world; a God who loves, makes himself vulnerable, humbles himself, and gives all of himself to his creation and I might start wanting to know Him again.

And if I left the service feeling like that, I wonder what the people who don't normally go to church but who had come especially for a family event made of it...