that was the year that was

The snow let up enough for us to make it to my parents' for Christmas. It was nice, but very odd - it's the first time I've been there at Christmas in 15 years. They still live in the same house I grew up in, so all my memories of childhood Christmasses came back. It was very strange not having my grandparents and Uncle there (they have died in that time).
So now we're back home, and it's the end of 2010.
I shan't be sad to see the back of it. During the year I have had a severely depressed husband, been severely depressed myself, watched from the sidelines as other people made major decisions affecting my life without involving me in them, had my home taken from me, lost my church, realised people I thought were friends weren't, seen my husband become unemployed and the difficulty in finding any kind of job, face the whole unfairness of the church system which treats ministers in a way which would not be tolerated in a secular job (not least because they'd get sued), and deal with subtle evil hidden behind smiling faces which was not recognised by others despite being pointed out.
On the plus side: we have a lovely new house, mrPM has a short-term job he quite likes, I still have a job, finances are working out much better than I had anticipated, mrPM is no longer depressed and I am stable again, we are out of the toxic situation, my response to the whole business of becoming out-of-pastorate has triggered alot of discussion at high levels which should mean others will not be put in the same position. We also had a super summer holiday with friends which was really special for all of us. Oh, and God taught me alot about forgiveness, perseverance, doing what is right rather than what is easy, and following Him whatever the cost.

And I've made some new friends thanks to this blog!

Hopefully (oops -that should be God willing) 2011 will be better
Happy New Year (and a belated Happy Christmas)

question

Last week we (mrPM and I) went to a different church, some distance away. The whole sermon was about how much God loves us. No qualification, no threats, no mention of hell. It was wonderful. And it made me cry.
Why does hearing how much God loves me make me cry?

procrastinating

We have had alot of snow! I have discovered muscles I didn't know existed...
Today, it's not actually snowing for a change, just being very cold and pretty. I'm admiring it from inside, having been out earlier, only to find there is no salt anywhere in the town. (Nor snowshovels).
So I might finally get round to writing Christmas cards this afternoon. I've been putting it off for the last few days, but I really should get them done. But it's hard to know how to explain what has happened over the past year and why we have had to move.
Talking of Christmas cards, there are some super e-cards here
http://www.ainvaresart.com/home/

snow on snow

It's been snowing for the past 4 days. On Monday I thought I'd clear the path up to our front door. As we don't currently have a snow shovel. I went to get the spade. Then I remembered mrpastasmissus was out at work, and his car had the spade in it. So I resorted to the yard brush. Not an easy job - all the snow sticks in the bristles and the brush just gets heavier and heavier...
So I sat back to enjoy a coffee while my back and arms recovered from the unaccustomed exertion, and what did I see out of the window? It was SNOWING again!
So on Tuesday, I cleared the path again and treated myself to a soak in our lovely deep bath to ease the back muscles. And I emerged to find it was SNOWING again.
Today I just haven't bothered!!!

not a good week

Last week was not a good one. I was doing lots of extra shifts at work (more than I know is good for me, but they were desperate) so was tired and grumpy anyway. Consequently God got somewhat squeezed out, as is normal for me in this situation.
The church service on Sunday left me feeling even worse, and even less inclined to bother with God. I'm sure you're not supposed to leave church feeling worse than when you went in, but that's what happened. Actually, it combined with the results of overwork to leave me wanting to self harm.
Before you all panic - I don't actually self harm. I am on antidepressants, have been for years, and usually they keep me pretty stable. Limiting my working hours also helps. But if I am angry or extremely upset, I get thoughts of self harm.
And it worries me. 25% of women and 10% of men have depression at some point in their life. In any given congregation, there will be others with no formal mental health diagnosis who have serious issues with self-esteem due to traumatic experiences in their past. So what effect does continually telling people they are sinners have on this group?

Something else I found ironic (text was Micah 6:8) - the Israelites were described as having abandoned God, and part of the proof of this was the terrible things they did, including sacrificing their children as burnt offerings. Then later we got to Communion, when the prayer was thanking God for sacrificing his child....

For my own sanity I'm going elsewhere for the next couple of weeks.

interesting blog...

I came across this recently. It seemed to tie in with some of the recent things I had been thinking.

http://www.stuffwhitechristianslike.com/2010/11/104-telling-people-that-theyre-going-to.html

love

I was at church this morning. Somehow a service ostensibly about God's amazing love left me feeling a worm. Can this be right?
I know I am human. I know I am not God. I know I get things wrong, and do what I want rather than what God wants. So, yes, I am a sinner (as is everyone else).
No, I don't understand why God loves me. I just know he does.
Come to that, I don't understand what my husband or friends see in me that allows them to love me either, but I know they do. I have no idea why. But I know that they do love me, and I accept this - not as my right, but as an undeserved gift.
I don't go on about it everytime I see them, telling them that I don't deserve their love and how I'm an awful person. I think that would be rather insulting - it's basically telling them I know better than they do, and they are wasting their love. They have given me their love as a free gift, and I accept it as such, even if I don't understand it. And then, maybe I move beyond that to realising I AM loveable, despite what I might think of myself.
So why is it different with God? Why do we have to keep doing the "I'm a terrible sinner" stuff? Why don't we move past that to saying "God loves me, I don't understand why, but he does" and then live in the light of that love, allowing it to redefine who we are? Or is that too threatening?

everything you've ever done...

Going back to the service I was at which was using week 3 of "Christianity explored"....
It contained that standard bit about how if every thing you'd ever thought, every internet site you'd ever visited (this is the updated version!) etc were on display for everyone to see, how bad would you feel?
And this is the effect of sin, but God can forgive you for it...

So I thought about having everything on display. I might be a bit embarrassed, but no-one ever died from embarrassment. People who love me would cope, and why would I care what people who don't love me think? And God knows it all anyway and loves me just the same. Maybe having depression and having lost control rather spectacularly in some extremely embarrassing situations (both work and church) means I don't feel this is such a terrible thing. After all, I've already experienced it to an extent. So I don't have the shame/ guilt/ humiliation issue that you're obviously supposed to have.

I was doing some research for a friend's project, and came across a table showing strategies for gaining and maintaining rank-status (Body Shame, ed Gilbert & Miles, p9). In other words, how do you persuade other people you are important and they should take notice of you?

If the strategy is aggression, the tactics are coercive, threatening and authoritarian: the desired outcome is to be obeyed and to be submitted to: the purpose of the strategy is to inhibit others and stimulate fear.
If the strategy is attractiveness, the tactics are showing talent, showing competence and being relational: the desired outcome is to be valued, to be chosen, to be freely given to: the purpose of the strategy is to inspire/ attract others, to stimulate positive affect.

It struck me that the everything on display approach given above is using the first of these strategies - trying to instil fear and hence submission to God. My reading of the Bible suggests Jesus used the second approach.
Do we need to do something different?

forgiveness

When I first started this blog, forgiveness was an issue I and some of my friends were struggling with. For me, not forgiving has been an ongoing problem. When you are trying to address unjust systems (which I hope I would have done anyway if I had been aware of the issues), how do you separate the genuine desire for justice and fairness from the personal desire for revenge?

In an earlier blog, I said that "I'm sorry" seemed to be difficult words for some people. I personally don't find them particularly difficult. Neither do I find asking for forgiveness. But to say "I forgive you" to someone who has hurt you badly and not asked for your forgiveness - for me, that is very difficult.

I was at a big church thing recently, as was someone I had had major issues with over the whole sequence of events that led to mrpastasmissus becoming an expastor. I had been doing my best to avoid them, and did so quite well, until the communion time. During the sessions we had heard alot about people who died for being obedient to God, and how what we really believe is shown by what we DO rather than what we say. So God took the opportunity to impress upon me that if I was serious about my faith, I needed to forgive this person. Not easy, I thought, but I can try (thinking I'll keep it all to myself and only God and I will know...) But that would have been getting off too lightly - I had to go over to this person and tell them "I forgive you".
I still don't know how I physically did it, but somehow it happened. They were extremely gracious about it, which helped alot.
The upshot of it is that it feels as though a weight has been lifted, and I am amazed that I did something which was so difficult for me without arguing (much!) with God.
Maybe I am getting a bit better at this whole following Jesus business?

why did Jesus come? continued...

The question was inspired by having been at a different church to normal, when they happened to be running week 3 of the Christianity Explored course. The course is based on Mark's gospel.
So the first question of the night was 'Why did Jesus come?' It seems the "correct" answer is 'to die so that I can be forgiven for my sins and therefore not go to hell when I die'.
It was quite funny, in that the two friends I was with had immediately given the answer 'to bring the kingdom of God' - they had obviously absorbed misterpastasmissus' preaching (heavily influenced by Tom Wright).

So, having had a rather busy week, I finally thought I should do some research. What I found in Mark about why Jesus came is as follows:
Mark 1:38 - to preach in other villages also
Mark 2:17 - not to call respectable people, but outcasts
Mark 8:31 - to suffer much, be put to death but rise to life (although I'm not sure if this is simply a statement of fact about what will happen, or if Jesus sees it as his purpose).

So, in the light of Mark 2:17 - if you don't think you are a sinner, does that class you as a 'respectable person' and should we therefore spend alot of time trying to persuade you that you are a sinner? Or should we go and find the broken people who have no doubt about their need?

Why did Jesus come?

A quick hello to poetreehugger and anon from Australia (and don't worry, Catriona, I didn't think you were accusing me of anything!)
A very brief post, inspired by Sunday's service.

So the question is:
Why did Jesus come?

That's it! I am really interested to know what people's answers are, so post away...

universalist?

Catriona's comment got me thinking. Am I a universalist? Not really. I think there is such a thing as hell, and that if people choose it, then God will respect their freedom to make that choice.
(Although I do wonder if heaven and hell might actually be the same thing - being in the presence of God...)

What does make me extremely uncomfortable is that when I look at the Gospels, I see Jesus warning a particular group of people they are in serious danger of hell. Who is this group? The tax collectors? The prostitutes? No, it's the Pharisees. In other words, it's the ones who take God and His Scriptures seriously, do all the right things, believe all the right stuff and tell others to do the same, because that's what God wants. It's the ones who think they know the mind of God and are justified in telling everyone else that their way is the only right way, because it's what God himself has said.
And yet, Jesus says to them that they are actually missing the point and in greater danger of hell than the very people they are convinced are going there.

church - helpful or harmful?

So I am trying to settle in to a new church. It's not easy. The people seem nice (but so did the people in our last church, and it turned out to be a veneer for public consumption only with some of them). Our musical gifts are in demand, and I can be as involved as I want. So what's the problem?
Quite simply, the theology: There are 2 types of people. If you're a Christian, then you're saved and will go to heaven when you die. If you're not, then you go to hell.
I know this is orthodox theology. But I have problems with (1) a one-off decision being the be-all-and-end-all (2) 'saved' meaning rescued from the penalty of sin which God himself had ordained (3) 'heaven' being somewhere where you go when you die.
I have problems with these issues anyway, as my understanding is that Jesus calls me to follow him, to be transformed into his likeness, to share his path of suffering and to work with him in establishing the kingdom of heaven here and now. All of which is an ongoing process.

But at present, it's not just an intellectual problem, it's an emotional one too. Because of the events that led to me becoming the missus of an ex-pastor and because I have depression, it is very easy for me to start seeing God (the Father) as someone who is judgemental, vengeful and sadistic. So having God presented as a judge who demands death for everyone (for breaking a rule that He set up in the first place, KNOWING it would not be kept) really does not help. Oh yes, I forgot the bit that says 'but because he loves you so much he provided a way out, but unless you do it exactly right you'll fail'. Well, thanks! Why set up such a stupid system in the first place?
Telling me about a judgemental God and a forensic explanation of the atonement really does not help me. Tell me about a God who is passionate about the world he created, to the extent that he keeps it going even while it is in rebellion against him, and actually becomes a part of that world; a God who loves, makes himself vulnerable, humbles himself, and gives all of himself to his creation and I might start wanting to know Him again.

And if I left the service feeling like that, I wonder what the people who don't normally go to church but who had come especially for a family event made of it...

new things

One of the things with moving house is lots of things change. In the manse, we had a shower curtain over the bath which was on an extendable pole with suction cups at the ends to keep it in place. Or I believe that's the idea of them... In our case, they worked for about 3 months of the year. The rest of the time the walls must have expanded slightly or something, because it had this amazing knack of waiting until you had just stepped under the shower, and then falling off the wall. Of course, the water went everywhere, so you had to turn the shower off, fix the shower rail (which could take some time), run the shower until it eventually reached the right temperature and then get back under it. So a proper shower cubicle where you don't have to worry about playing reverse Russian roulette (falls down 5 out of 6 times) with the shower curtain is bliss! And our new bath is amazing!!! It's long enough to lie down in without having to stick your feet up on the taps :-)))
Going to a different church is proving alot more challenging. The theology that is preached is quite a bit more Reformed than I'm used to, and is pressing alot of not very helpful buttons for me. The people seem nice and very caring, even though I don't know anyone particularly well. They also are very appreciative of my musical talents. Normally I'd just stick it out and tune out the bits I have problems with, but right now I'm not up to doing that. The green-eyed monster of jealousy is also alive and well. It's hard being somewhere where they are all excited about community outreach and praying for revival, when at the back of my mind is a little voice saying 'but that is what you and Mrpastasmissus were trying to do in your ex-church, and look what happened'. And then of course I feel bad for feeling that way. Why do I have to be cynical because of my past instead of being glad I am in a church that does seem to genuinely want to do these things? It could be a simple case of 'once burnt, twice shy' - our ex-church said they wanted to reach out into the community, but when that started actually happening and the power base within the church looked like being challenged, suddenly it was a different story. Actually, I suspect I just have a bad case of sour grapes.

trying to get organised

Well, we got everything out of the manse that we needed to, got the manse cleaned (many thanks to our friends for helping, and especially for the industrial hoover and carpet cleaner!) and keys handed back. So now we're in our new home, which is gorgeous. Carpets look like being another week, no curtains, boxes everywhere, sleeping on mattresses on chipboard floor, but that's fine.

Trying to get organised is a different matter. Today I went to register with a GP. It turns out I need passport/ driving licence AND proof of address. Then the form takes 2 weeks to process. Then you're supposed to go for a new patient check before making any appointments to see a doctor. So they were not impressed with me saying I only had 2 weeks worth of medication left. Why hadn't I got more before moving? Well, I thought 3 weeks supply would be enough. Can't I get more from my previous practice? Not really, as I'm now outside their practice area and so not covered by them any more. And yes, I do need to see a doctor (not a nurse) about my repeat medication, as some of it is a bit unusual.
Of course, I also don't have any bills at this address yet...
In the end I got a doctor's appointment for 10 days time and need to take my proof of ID and address with me to that. But I only managed that because I know the system and wouldn't accept being fobbed off.
It's easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle....

moving

Yesterday mrpastasmissus and I had a day laying more laminate flooring in our new house. It was much nicer doing that than staying in the manse and doing yet more packing! We now have another room almost done and we are getting better at it. We got to meet the neighbours on both sides, who were also moving in.
Mrpastasmissus and a friend (male) have spent today packing van, driving to new house, unpacking van and driving back. Friend's wife and I have been busy dismantling IKEA furniture so the boys could then put it in the van, packing kitchen stuff and doing some hoovering. So now all of our furniture has gone and we are down to needing to pack miscellaneous "stuff". At some stage I'm sure we thought we'd sort things out BEFORE moving. I suspect it will actually be the case that it all ends up in boxes marked "to be sorted" and stays there for the next 6 years.....
Actually, the boys have done a fantastic job of shifting things. I just hope mrpastasmissus can still physically move tomorrow, as he found out today he's got a week of doing deliveries (starting tomorrow).

an amazing day

We have the keys to our new house! Today was the first of the flooring parties - having decided to put laminate flooring down in most of the house, it seemed a good excuse to get some friends together to help. Unsurprisingly, the boys had a great time with the power tools and saws. Fortunately one of them had laid laminate flooring before, and knew what to do (although mrpastasmissus sounded like he knew how to do it, I knew he was blagging - as a professional blagger myself, I do tend to recognise it!).
So we had a good time with friends in our new house. Then when we got home there was a letter for mrpastasmissus appreciating what he had given to the community here. It also contained a substantial cheque. We have no idea who it was from, as the donor had gone to considerable lengths to be anonymous. It was an amazing gift, and brought a lump to both our throats.

blessed to be a blessing

Our new house has felt too good to be true. It's far more than we ever thought we could have, and was only made possible through the extreme generosity of my parents. In fact, it's so much more than we are used to that it felt wrong. Or that we didn't deserve it and it was all going to go horribly wrong at some point.
However, mrpastasmissus now has a job - watch out for the dreaded white van man! (although it might be a red or even a blue van, he's not sure yet.) He did some van driving for Samaritan's Purse one year, and really enjoyed it, so he's looking forward to being able to drive 2 inches off other people's back bumpers ;-)
In addition to this, we realised that we actually had more money available than we had expected. Then we got an email from friends in Romania. They are also having to move out of the manse, due to retirement. They had put down a deposit on a house, but needed to pay the balance by the end of the month, and were unable to do so due to a variety of reasons. Suddenly our extra money made sense.
Being able to pass on the blessing has somehow made our own new house seem more real to me.

complaints

Meeting with the "high heid-yin" yesterday left me confused and disturbed. I had been hoping that I might get some resolution, so I could put things behind me and have a fresh start when we move in a couple of weeks. Suffice it to say I think this is unlikely to happen within that timescale.

In my professional role, I have had training in dealing with complaints. It seems there is no such training for ministers within our denomination, even ones such as this particular "high heid-yin" who has supposedly been trained in conflict resolution.

I came across a useful concept called "agent-regret". In other words, if something awful happens, you usually feel sorry for the person it happened to. If you are a bystander, then this is regret. If, however, you were somehow involved in what happened, even if it is not your fault, then it is appropriate to have a deeper level of regret. This is "agent-regret".
But if the agent in this case were to say "I don't need to apologise because it wasn't my fault", then this causes problems, because they are not acting in the manner expected, and this inflicts further hurt.

It seems that for some people "sorry" is indeed the hardest word to say. But saying you are sorry for someone's distress is not the same as admitting liability for it. Maybe some ministers need to be taught that.

how to embarrass your husband....

We went to get the tour of our new house yesterday. It's the first time we've seen inside it when not still being constructed (it's a new build). And it is lovely!
But all the floors are chipboard, so off we went to a big shop to look at some carpets etc. We were just wandering around, with me stroking the samples to get a feel for the carpets, when a salesman came up and asked if we'd like any help.
"Not at the minute, thanks, I'm just fondling the carpets"
Cue one red-faced salesman and husband immediately disowning me...

cheese

I'm not sure if this is just a local problem, or if it happens elsewhere too. I went to the local supermarket to buy cheese. There were about 60 varieties of Cheddar (which I'm not particularly keen on). But no Cheshire, Caerphilly, Wensleydale or even Red Leicester or Double Gloucester to be seen. Our local supermarket isn't a particularly large one, so I though I'd pick some up at the big superstore (different firm as well). But even there, I found rows and rows of Cheddar, and had to really search before I found the Red Leicester and Double Gloucester. Of Cheshire, Caerphilly, Wensleydale (the sort without the fruit!) I could find no trace whatsoever!
Is this a global conspiracy? Is Cheddar the new orthodoxy?

hope

We're due to get the keys for our new house in 2 weeks. So the manse is covered with stuff in varying degrees of packedness. I will be sad to move because it will mean various friends will no longer be just round the corner. At the same time, I will be glad, and am hoping for a new start.
Before that, I have a meeting with one of the "high heid yins" who was involved in the whole mess, to discuss a letter I wrote to them. I am rather apprehensive about this, as the last time they saw me I was somewhat lacking in self-control. (Yes, it was at the meeting when they told mr pastasmissus to resign and were ignoring anything we said, but I still don't think that really excuses it.)
So I am praying that I may act in a Christ-like manner. Not that I think that means meekly accepting anything that is said, but that injustice will be named and confronted in a Christ-like way. It would be too easy for me to act out of my own hurt and desire for vengeance. (And acting in such a way would also mean that my complaint could be written off as coming from a very hurt individual, rather than being taken seriously.)
I am a professional in another field, and have had occasional letters of complaint. I know how my profession is advised to handle such letters. It is interesting to compare this with what is happening to me in this situation. I will wait and see before commenting further, but if I'd handled a complaint the way this one has been dealt with so far, I would have been in serious trouble...

more real life...

Back to the rubbish with a vengeance.... every time I think we're starting to get somewhere, something else crops up. There's no need for me to pick the tops off my own scars when other people get there first.
I am starting to think that emigrating is the only way we will ever get free from this

back to normal

I've spent most of the last month away - a week on holiday, a few days back (long enough to get the washing done), then away again on a course and visiting my sister and then my parents. Hence the non-blogging.
On my travels, I picked up 'Ruthless Trust' by Brennan Manning. I was particularly challenged by a couple of sentences in chapter 3:
"Anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded."
"On the last day, Jesus will look us over not for medals, diplomas, or honors, but for scars."

My scars are healing, but I have to resist the temptation to keep picking the scabs off...

hope

I was randomly mugged by a stray burst of happiness the other day. It was a very unfamiliar feeling. But today we have finally paid the deposit for our new house, so I can start believing this move will actually happen (things kept getting delayed by legal paperwork). And tomorrow we're off on holiday for a week.

chocolate :-)

I discovered our local supermarket has started stocking WHITE chocolate in its 'basics' range. It is actually really nice.
At 27p for 100g, it means I can buy 4 times as much as if buying Milky Bar
:-))))))
(yes, that's the sextuple chin I will get from eating so much chocolate ;-) )
but remember "The Lord delights in fatness"

pause for thought

I was enjoying lying in bed listening to Graham Norton on radio 2 on Thursday. I particularly enjoyed listening to the increasing panic as the time for "Pause for thought" came ever closer - the Canon due to deliver said thought was apparently stuck in traffic. She didn't make it in time, leaving Graham to do his best.
He started with "Why do bad things happen to good people?"
But he obviously felt this wasn't quite sufficient to count as a pause, so then came out with "A problem shared..........is gossip".

I am very tempted to do this in cross-stitch in the style of an old-fashioned sampler - to hang in the vestry (should we ever be in that position)
Mrpastasmissus suggests writing it on a large wooden spoon. I think that's more practical. Perhaps one should be issued to each Bible-study or prayer group leader, so they can brandish it whenever required (a bit like a yellow card!).
Hmm.... 2 wooden spoons equals a week on the sinner's stool?
I'm open to suggestions ;-)

a bad week

This week has been of the 'hide under the duvet and eat chocolate' variety. And today, a duvet simply doesn't seem far enough away. The bottom of a deep hole seems a reasonable place. Or the other side of the world.
Reasons for this?
1) mrpastasmissus has to sign on
2) An official letter saying if he wants to keep current pension benefits he needs to pay a considerable amount a month. If he chooses to pay nothing then his registration as a pastor might be at risk. Well, thanks!!!
3) Church leadership want to meet us to discuss us moving out of the manse. As if they hadn't done enough to break us already, they need to make sure of throwing us out, despite the fact they said we could stay for another 3 months. This may be a simple issue of miscommunication between them and mrpastasmissus. I don't care. We are staying until our new house gets sorted and we can move, which should be within the next 3 months.
4) Money. I only work part-time for health reasons. Mine is the only income now. So all bills, council tax etc have to get paid from what I earn (until mrpastasmissus manages to find some kind of job, which could prove interesting...). The amount the pensions people want for a full pension is half my income.

I would actually like to be somewhere where none of this exists. Where we might have some hope of a future. Where mrpastasmissus' gifts are recognised and accepted and used. Where someone actually apologises for the damage they have caused both of us. Where I will stop being reminded of this rubbish. Where I will stop feeling angry and hurt and victimised.

avoiding God

I'm busy avoiding God at present. It's not been that difficult with Guide camp occupying so much time and attention (and then the aftermath of recovering!). I thought I was just doing my usual thing of being busy and waving at God in passing, so to speak.
The trouble is, I don't avoid God completely. That would be too obvious. I talk to him a bit, general chat about what I'm up to, or what's bothering me, or that I'm too tired/busy to talk properly. Then if people ask me how things are going with God, I can tell them I'm still talking to him every day... Actually, it's more of a talking AT him...
And those who really know me know that the issue is not if I am talking to God, but if I am listening to him. Whether I am giving him a chance to get a word in edgeways and possibly disturb my life by telling me something I didn't want to hear.
But at present I don't think I want to give God a chance. Particularly as the last time I prayed like that I was shocked to find that I was blaming God for the way things have turned out, and for giving me false hope when he knew all along what would happen.
If, by definition, what God does is right, then my job is simply to accept that fact. At present, I can't. Oh, I still believe God can use this for good. But how do you go on trusting when you feel you've been let down? And how do you do it knowing that technically you haven't been let down, and therefore there is nothing for the other to apologise for?

Guide camp

I got back yesterday from Guide camp, and have spent most of today asleep! It was a good camp, although I was rather apprehensive before going - we had 33 girls, were going quite a distance, and had alot who had never camped before! Ususally we camp at the local site, which at least has the advantage of being able to get parents to come and collect their kids if there are major problems - this time it wasn't an option.
Two of us went early as the advance party to put up the tents, as the Guides were not arriving til after dark. It was rather windy, and there were some fun moments when the tents blew about as we were trying to peg them down.
Camp actually went really well, despite torrential rain one day and even stronger winds which threatened to blow three of the tents away. Fortunately the wind dropped somewhat before bedtime, and the extra pegs seemed to do the trick.
The real fun came when we took the tents down. On removing one of the pegs, water started bubbling up from the ground! We're still not sure if it was a natural spring, or a water pipe (if the latter, it was very near the surface and very weak - our tent pegs were NOT strong ones).
Although it was tiring and hard work, I had a good time. It was especially nice to be complimented on how well behaved our Guides were. Now, does anyone have any ideas how to get that kind of behaviour in our regular meetings???

more chocolate

Having eventually got to the stage of thinking I was getting somewhere with dealing with all the mess that's happened, we got a letter from one of the higher-up-ones who was directly involved in it all. And all the anger came flooding back...
Well, actually, not ALL of it, just alot of it. Mr pastasmissus said I was reading said letter with my very negative filter firmly in place, which is probably true. And he asked me what I was going to do with my anger.
My answer of cry, eat chocolate and wait for a bit and then somehow take it before God didn't seem to go down terribly well. I did point out that at least I was directing it outward, which is a definite improvement on turning it into thoughts of self-harm (don't worry,I don't actually self-harm, just think about it).
Taking it before God is going to be a challenge. I don't WANT to forgive. I want to carry on being angry, because then I can feel self-righteous. How come I think forgiveness is a great idea when it's me on the receiving end, but not if I'm not? And that's not just about me forgiving someone, it also applies to God forgiving them too. Am I really vindictive enough to want God to not forgive them? In which case, am I forgiveable? (A particularly pointed thought of "forgive us our trespasses, AS we forgive those who trespass against us" comes to mind.)
I'll get there in the end. In the meantime, it's done me good to get some of it out. And now I'm off to overcome some Gates of Hell :-)

Jealousy

This morning I was in church - not the church we were in before, but a different one, some distance away. They have just appointed an evangelist to help with outreach in the area. So they are consequently very excited about what God is going to do. And I'm happy for them.
But...
There's a bit of me that thinks 'why didn't it work when WE tried it?' and 'we could have had that, if the church leadership had backed us'
And there's also a bit of me that thinks 'we started off with all those ideals too, but when things started actually changing it was a different story.'

I don't like myself for being jealous. I don't like the cynicism I've developed.
Why can't I just feel at home in a church that is on a similar wavelength, instead of thinking about what might have been?

what is important?

I've not blogged for a while as firstly mr pastasmissus went away for a few days and the laptop decided it wanted a change of scenery too; then, when they did both come back, we discovered the technogizmo that allows internet access had obviously suffered a withdrawal reaction and consequently died!

I'm starting to realise that maybe I'm actually getting through this. That even though it feels as though I've been cast adrift in the middle of the ocean with no map, compass or supplies, I'm actually managing somehow to navigate my way through uncharted territory. Even though I've been expecting to capsize at any moment, the reality is that I haven't.

And I'm learning things from it. Not always things I wanted to discover...
When I last posted, I was non-specifically angry about the whole church mess/ situation. A throw-away comment by mr pastasmissus that he hoped that God would bless the church here resulted in me having a rather incandescent internal reaction. I didn't want God to bless the church here - I wanted it to fall apart, to prove that we had been right all along. And then some unwanted scripture popped up in my head: Some say 'I follow Paul', others 'I follow Apollos'. But this should not be; it is Christ we follow. (based on 1 Corinthians 3:4-8). Was it more important to me that I should be proved right, or that the kingdom of God be extended?
When put like that, there could only be one answer. And somehow, alot of the anger seemed to melt away.

choices

The last couple of weeks have not been particularly good ones for me. I have been angry (although when asked why or with whom, I couldn't specify). I also tended to cry for no obvious reason. And I was having major issues with God.
Feeling that somehow God has let me down and therefore can't be trusted is an all too familiar temptation for me, going right back to when I first became a Christian. I was a teenager at the time, and the prevailing theology I had picked up was that if you prayed for something hard enough and believed 'properly', then God would do it. The brother of a girl in my class had leukaemia. So I prayed - fervent, naive, trusting prayer. A month later, he died.
This had a huge impact on my relationship with God (the Father) for the next 20 years. Yes, I came to understand that it was bad theology, that God's ways are not our ways, that He knows what's best etc etc. But deep inside there was still that little niggle from a devastated teenager that God could not be trusted.
I stayed a Christian because Jesus was different, being a fellow victim and sufferer. In that way, projecting all the bad stuff onto God the Father at least allowed me to keep some kind of faith.

I think last year was the first time I again took the risk of trusting God by praying in that way - not that I didn't pray, it was just always slightly guarded - why give God another chance to disappoint me? After all, if I don't ask, I can't be let down. I prayed for a friend to be healed from a chronic illness that was causing considerable pain and difficulty. I expected a miracle. In the end, it did all get sorted out, but through major surgery - not quite what I had expected. I again had to live with God apparently letting me down. At that time I made a conscious choice that I would NOT react the way I had before, that I would continue trusting God.

And now with the recent situation I find myself having to choose again. We prayed so hard about our church situation, and believed God was telling us to stay. Right up to the very last minute I was expecting God to intervene somehow - to do a miracle, cause an outbreak of mass repentance. It didn't happen. So, what do I do this time?
I have a choice: I can either stay bitter and resentful about what happened, and become cynical and mistrusting of God; or I can decide to trust God, and use this as an opportunity to learn and practice Christ-likeness.

I can't alter what has happened. What I can do is realise that the way in which I respond to this shows how deep my faith actually goes. It's only when things get tough that you discover what you really believe and who you really are.

a tricky situation

So, mr pastasmissus is no longer the pastor. We're still living in the manse until we get housing sorted out. The church does not have a building, so our phone number was the contact number for the church (although I have to admit I took great delight in changing the answerphone message!), so we still get occasional phone calls about church stuff, which we deflect on to the church secretary.
But this morning we had a call that one of our members had died, and a request from their relation for hubby to do the funeral. This relation didn't know he is now the ex-pastor. He told them they would need to talk to the church secretary.
So what is the etiquette in this situation? It's made more difficult by this being a small town, and our church being a small congregation.
Yet one more thing they don't cover in the ethics course while training for ministry....

going round in circles...

I've spent the last week going round in circles. Or rather, going part-way round one circle and ending back up where I was. Rather disheartening. All the anger, bitterness and cynicism have been back with a vengeance. And I know it's part of grieving, and I know it's normal, and I know it takes time. But I don't like it. I don't like myself when I'm like this. I end up focussing on how bad I feel, how I feel I've been wronged, and ultimately blame God for allowing it to happen. All of which is stupid, destructive and pointless.
Right now, trying to follow Jesus is hard. I don't particularly want to pick up this cross of accepting these feelings and yet choosing to forgive. I'd much rather sit down on the ground and kick my heels and scream 'It's not fair' in best 2-year-old tantrum style. Except I've done that before. I thought I'd learned from it, and grown up a bit. Maybe the fact I'm posting this is a sign that I have...

Jesus and God

When mr pastasmissus was applying to train as a pastor, he had to fill out some rather detailed forms. One of them asked for "short notes explaining your understanding of..." There was then enough space for about 3 sentences. The things they wanted you to explain included "the trinity".
We had some fun with that. My initial suggestion of "God is 3 and God is 1, and, no, I don't understand that either" may have been honest but was dismissed as not quite having the right tone. So I tried again "the tripartite unity of the Godhead is a paradox beyond human comprehension". That got dismissed as too pretentious!
I am always intrigued by how different people see God. For me, Jesus, God the Father and God the Holy Spirit have always been quite distinct. That's not saying I think they're separate, just that I react and interact slightly differently to each. And it's different again for God the trinity.
A consequence of this is that I am very careful when I pray, to know who I am addressing. I know that many other people I have spoken to about this can't understand why it matters - after all, it's all the same God. (Although, oddly enough, if you then suggest praying to the Holy Spirit, the same people often get very upset and start telling you why this is wrong - and the comment "it's all the same God" does NOT go down well ;-) ) But it does mean I have a mental disconnect when I hear communion prayers that start off "Father God" and then say "thankyou for dying on the cross" - I want to stand up and shout that he didn't....
It probably all stems from the image of God I had as a child - the critical parent/ teacher in the sky, who was big and scary and powerful, sitting on a cloud, armed with thunderbolts, just waiting to zap me if I did something wrong. Jesus, in contrast, was much more approachable, and on the side of the victims. At that stage the Holy Spirit was a rather unknown concept (never mind person). I'm not saying this is good theology, it's just where I started from.
When I hit problems with my faith, it all got blamed on God the Father. He was the one who could have stopped stuff from happening, but hadn't. Therefore He was the bad guy. I couldn't do that to Jesus - he had already suffered so much, I didn't want to add to it. And anyway, he knew what it was like to feel helpless and abandoned and let down by God. So even when I was having major issues with 'God', I was still committed to Jesus.
My understanding of God has changed alot since then and has become more integrated. But I am still very careful with who I am addressing when I pray.

Why do I still follow Jesus?

So why do I still follow Jesus, if it makes my life more difficult?
There are alot of different reasons.
The main one is the same reason I started following Jesus in the first place: I couldn't come up with a convincing alternative to the resurrection. So if Jesus rose from the dead, then I had to take the rest of what he said seriously too. That meant believing in God (which I didn't want to....) and recognising that Jesus says to people "Come and follow me". Which I chose to do about 25 years ago.
Since then I've fallen in love with Jesus, hated God, been scared by God, ignored God completely, resented God, argued with God, and tried to break up with him (I couldn't).

For me, it really does all come down to Jesus. How could God love me (when I was hating him) enough to leave his nice cushy number in heaven and become a baby? I mean, why not come as an adult? - at least you would have bowel control... And then living a life where your friends don't understand you, the people who should help undermine you, and in the end a friend betrays you and dying horribly alone... And all the time, having the power to stop it from happening.
I think that is the most awesome bit - that Jesus had the power to stop it, but chose not to.
I can't turn my back on that - it calls to something deep within me.
So there's an element of 'if Jesus loves me enough to do that, then I love him back' - not as an obligation, but as an emotional reality.

In terms of following Jesus making life easy - oddly enough, I don't ever see Jesus saying that in the Bible. He actually tells people to be prepared to give up everything for him, and if they're not prepared to do that then not to bother. (Luke 9:57-62 Luke 14:25-33 Luke 18:18-29). He also tells them to expect trouble because of their faith (John 15:18-16:4) and not to be surprised when it happens. To me that sounds rather different to "come to Jesus and all your problems will be over".

holiday theology

The theology digressed a bit onto chocolate theology - something which I think would bear closer examination (and sampling!) - and yes, Angela, I'd be up for a joint project ;-)
So going back to the original post: while on holiday I read "Christus Victor" by vonAulen. I'm not sure I understood all of it, so please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong...
Basically what I got from it is that the idea of atonement has different interpretations; and penal substitution, although very influential in Western thought actually did not occur as that concept in the early church or the Patristic period. In fact, the idea of penal substitution came out of discussing the sacrament of penance - if someone good did lots of penance then they could accrue extra Brownie points, which God could then transfer to someone else. So Jesus dying on the cross accrues megaBrownie points which can then get transferred to our account, wiping out what we owe God. It's an extremely forensic view of God, who seems to delight in keeping lists of every individual thing we do wrong, and who will only wipe it out if someone pays for it (in blood).
I've always had an issue with this, as for me it's very difficult to reconcile this image of God with the idea that God is love. But I never knew that it was rooted in the doctrine of penance, especially as developed by Anselm.
VonAulen says that this view of the atonement is too narrow in scope. Jesus dies for my sins. Yes, that is true. But in this model, only the fact that Jesus dies is significant. So why come as a baby? Why wait 30 years to start preaching? Why get raised from the dead? And yes, he dies for my sins, but is it only humanity that needs to be redeeemed? And using the idea of God having a list - Jesus might die to wipe the contents of the list off, but does that do anything to change my underlying sinfulness???
His view, which he says is that of the early church (and is still that of the Eastern Orthodox church) is that the atonement is God acting to reconcile all creation to himself, despite the best efforts of Satan. Christ lives life the way Adam should have (and didn't). By doing this, the result was that the evil which opposed him finally over-reached itself and claimed his life, although in reality it had no claim on him. Consequently Jesus broke the power of sin, death, hell and the grave. This reconciles creation to the creator and gives the possibility of a new way of being.

It made alot of sense to me, particularly in view of our recent issues. I had been feeling that the things that had been said about my husband were personal, and had been deeply hurt by them. However, this changed my perspective to see that all of creation is caught up in a cosmic war between God and evil and we simply have to decide which side we are on. In our church mess, hubby and I tried to do what we thought God wanted. Eventually, the evil present came to light. Unfortunately, we paid the price for doing the right thing. But what does it profit a man (or woman) to gain the whole world but lose their soul?

chocolate theology 2

I used to go to a church where the pastor's favourite verse was "The Lord delights in fatness".
I still remember him preaching a sermon about God's love, and one of his illustrations involved Kit-Kats. He described in great detail the process of unwrapping it, snapping it and biting into it - only to discover it was SOLID CHOCOLATE. There had been a 'happy accident' and somehow the biscuit had not made it into the Kit-Kat. And God's love was solid all the way through, but unlike the Kit-kat, it wasn't a happy accident, it was meant to be like that....

Just another random thought as to why God is like chocolate - I think it was T S Elliot who said that mankind could not bear too much reality. We can't cope with too much exposure to God - much prefer the watered down version as being more palatable. Me, I like the British chocolate that the Europeans don't think is chocolatey enough to count as 'chocolate'. I once made the mistake of getting some 90% chocolate and put 4 pieces in my mouth at once (yes, this is the way I usually eat chocolate!). I couldn't speak for quite some time, and suddenly understood why chocolate was seen as a dangerous stimulant when it first appeared. It was rather different to what I thought chocolate was.....

chocolate theology

Sorry to anyone waiting for the actual theology I read on holiday - this is a digression. Yesterday was not a particularly good day for me. It is extremely strange being in a church where I don't know anyone and have nothing to do, and the preacher isn't my husband. It WAS nice having him sitting next to me and passing tissues over at appropriate intervals...
So I spent the evening cheering myself up by overcoming the gates of hell. For the uninitiated, this means eating Toblerone chocolate...
This stems from a remark I made at a Bible study about how I had been very confused by an ikon I'd seen in Greek Orthodox churches in which Jesus seemed to be standing on two Toblerone bars. It took me a while to realise the two yellow things near the base of the ikon are actually the gates of hell!

I hope that might encourage some of you to do the same ;-)

a sense of place

Having been in a church which has not had a building for 20 years, the idea of place being important is not particularly familiar. But being away from here and physically in a different place has helped alot. Somehow I now have a bit of distance from the things that have happened, and the overwhelming engulfing pain has settled into something much more manageable. That's not to say I'm happy about what happened. I'm not, and I'm still working out what (if anything) to do about it. I still get upset at times, but at least I'm now functional and even managed OK back at work.
I also got chance to read some theology while away - yes, I do read theology for fun! - mr pastasmissus used to get quite annoyed by me 'borrowing' his books when he was at college - but more of that next time.

hmmm

So having been whinging about some of the problems of being a pastor's wife, I now have a new set of problems, as I am now an ex-pastor's wife. It's amazing how suddenly you become persona non grata.
So now we start looking for somewhere to live, somewhere to worship, trying to work out what on earth happens next.
Unfortunately it's not as simple as hubby simply moving on to another church. He now joins the ranks of the unemployed.

Oh well, off for a holiday tomorrow (booked ages ago). It will be good to be physically somewhere different.

And every time I start feeling sorry for myself, I try to remember that there are people DYING for their faith across the world.

confused...

Things keep seeming very black.
I try to hold on to God.
Then they get worse.
At which point I give up.
Then God does something.
So a glimmer of hope returns (along with the guilt for doubting).
Then something else happens, and the darkness returns, even stronger.


Right now I have no idea what is going on. I can only hope God keeps a firm hold of us despite everything.

rug-less

The rug has been pulled out from under us.
We have no choice.
We can't disagree, because that would show insufficient humility and therefore prove we're not fit to be in ministry.

Looks like I got my wish of not having to go to church ever again. I should have remembered "Be careful what you wish for, it might come true"

that was just a temporary blip....

This is probably going to be the worst Easter I have experienced.
Church mess continues. One of the leaders seems to be deliberately setting hubby up to fail, and then taking great delight in pointing out all his faults in such a way that he takes the rap.
I have to be at services tonight and Sunday morning as I am the pianist.
Another Saturday church prayer meeting at 9am (9am!!! and hubby's day off!!!) to pray about the future of the church. Not much in the way of listening to God has happened so far at any of these.
Oh, and we have just been informed about a meeting with various other people next week. Do not understand the purpose of the meeting (certainly not from the composition of people involved)or why it is happening. Suffice it to say that we have been told not to discuss it with anyone, and our future here looks extremely uncertain.

And in all of this, who gives us any support? We are both on antidepressants, both having counselling (but the counsellors are off on holiday for the next 2 weeks) and have been told not to talk about it to anyone.

I really really wish I didn't follow a God who got crucified and then told me to follow him.
I wish I wasn't the pastor's wife and could just leave and never go near a church again.

something to smile about!

I've been reading back over this blog, and it strikes me it's pretty depressing. But there's a ray of hope...
Someone who has been coming to our church for a couple of years decided to commit their life to following Jesus. Which is brilliant :-)
But even more brilliant (from my perspective) is that they told mr pastasmissus that his preaching had really helped them to get to that point :-)
So mr pastasmissus has been bouncing around with random outbursts of 'God's amazing!' or equivalent and feels this is God confirming that we should stay here, despite the rubbish that's been going on.

Me, I think God is pretty amazing too!!! :-))))

censorship

My husband used to have a blog. It was open to anyone to read. His name was on it, so he was extremely careful in what he put on it. It appears this isn't enough.
Some of the church leadership accused him of using it to try to divide the church. They also complained he was putting inappropriate things on it (although what exactly those things were does not seem to have been explained).
So now he no longer has a blog.

I am extremely annoyed by this. I think of all the things he COULD have said (and didn't) about what has been happening, and the extremely unChristian behaviour that has been going on. I also think of all the efforts he has made towards reconciliation with the leaders, none of which have been taken up.
And I am extremely angry that it seems that no-one can hold the church leadership to account for making our lives hell for the past year. That they can slander my husband and get away with it. And that it has now got to a point where if he says something, it is twisted into meaning something completely different. If he said the opposite, that would be just as bad. And if he said nothing, that would prove he doesn't care. In short, it doesn't matter what he does, as far as the leadership is concerned, it's wrong.

Cleaning the oven....

Yesterday we cleaned the oven. Not a big deal, you might think. You hadn't seen it. The bottom was covered in black welded-on bits of unrecognisable charcoal that had once been food (probably mostly cheese which has an amazing tendency to leap off the side of the pizza).
To be honest, I hate housework. The only time it gets done is just before people are coming round. And my husband isn't any more fond of it than I am. Hence the state of the oven, which hadn't been cleaned for ** months (no, I'm NOT going to put in the true number!).
So, having bought the industrial-strength oven cleaning stuff, we finally worked out a night when we wouldn't be using the oven. I duly applied the foam, and then left it to work its magic. Except you're supposed to clean it off after 2 hours, and I forgot until 4 hours later. I was half afraid it might have burnt a hole through the bottom of the oven, but it hadn't. Despite the claims on the can, it hadn't removed all the gunge either. Nothing for it but to try again. And again, I forgot when it was time. This time, hubby remembered after 3 hours, and volunteered to remove the debris.
So now the oven is considerably cleaner than before, but still has various charcoal additions which don't want to come off...

It got me thinking. How much rubbish do I carry around with me that eventually becomes so stuck that it's almost impossible for God to remove? Why don't I have a good clean out more often when I know things are easier to deal with before they become cemented on?
And how can I persuade someone else to do the housework? ;-)

encouragement

As you may have gathered from various posts, things are somewhat difficult for me and my husband right now. Sundays can be especially hard. Last night we both collapsed into heap in front of some very silly snowy olympic sports on the telly (ski-cross really does have to be seen to be believed).
To our surprise we had a phone call from a friend who is a pastor in one of the old Iron Curtain countries. I had emailed him a few weeks ago to ask the family to pray for us and outlined a little of the problems we were facing. He phoned to find out how we were and to encourage us to stay faithful to God, no matter what.
To have this from someone who has lived most of their life with the uncertainty of whether today would be the day the secret police came, and still remained faithful to God, was amazing. It was also extremely humbling.

Bullying

I came across this website:
http://www.balmnet.co.uk/index.htm

It defines bullying of clergy as "Any unreasonable behaviour towards Christian ministers which undermines their ministry, causes excessive stress, and threatens their health, eg. constant criticism, shouting, threats, manipulation, lack of respect for time off, unrealistic expectations, lack of support, and even on occasions physical violence."

And the results of this? "Prolonged negative stress can cause anxiety, fatigue, trauma, social phobia, poor concentration, anger, irritability, loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, depression, family breakdown, isolation, loss of faith, church phobia, frequent illness, prolonged absence from work, and in severe cases an end to ministry altogether."

From what I've witnessed, most of those examples of bullying apply to our situation (although not shouting or physical violence). I think having the leadership tell you you are incompetent and should resign counts as "lack of support"... (No, he's not brilliant at everything (who is?), but his preaching is outstanding and he's great in emergencies)
And as for the results: almost all apply. I've not lost my faith in God, but am finding my faith in the church severely tested. And it puts me off interacting with God, because that reminds me of the whole awful mess...

Why are we still here? Why don't we just leave?
Because we still think God called and is calling us to be here. Because we still have the vision for the church. Because we know there are others who share that vision.
I wish God would call us somewhere else. I'd miss my friends. I don't like change. But it's getting to the stage where I don't know how much more we can take.
Then I think of all those Christians who have sacrificed so much more for their faith, who have kept their faith despite persecution (even to death).
Does it make a difference if your persecutors are within your own church???

Lent

Came across this:
"It's no good giving up chocolate for Lent if you continue hating your neighbour".

Does that mean I can start eating chocolate again?

prayer

Well, we survived the service this morning - the reading was 1 John 4:7-21. This was my closing prayer:

Lord
We let you down so often.
We do things which hurt you.
We say things which do not reflect you.
And we think things which dishonour you.

We hurt other people - people made in YOUR image.
Sometimes accidentally.
Sometimes because it was the easy option.
And sometimes we do it deliberately
(although we always have a good reason for it).

In all these things we ignore your love:
Your love for us,
Your love for others,
Your love for the world which you created.

We ignore your love because it is uncomfortable.
It is there whether we want it or not.
It absorbs everything we do to try to destroy it.
Even trying to kill it didn't work.

We try to keep your love as a nice idea
Because then we don't need to do anything about it (except maybe tell others)
But you told us to live it out.
To love the way you did
Even if it means a cross.

To love like that is frightening.
To love like that hurts.
But to love like that is what you command.

Help us to obey
Through the power of your Holy Spirit
To the glory of your name
Amen.

grieving

Following last night's meeting, I am grieving.
Grieving for my husband who was publicly torn to pieces by the leadership.
Grieving for the leadership that they could do it in such a manner.
Grieving for the church that they have such leaders.
Grieving for the local community that we cannot serve them because we are too focused on our internal problems.
Grieving for God as we tear His body apart with our lovelessness.
Grieving for the possibilities of something exciting and new which will now not happen.
Grieving that this fellowship never seem to learn from the past, and still think the only solution to problems is a change of pastor.
And grieving for myself that all my hopes and dreams have been destroyed.

some light relief....

Well, after all that ranting, I think it might be time for some light relief. Bear with the introduction, it's well worth it

Rant

Rant warning:

I am fed up.

I am fed up with my husband not getting a whole day off.
I am fed up with people assuming that he will do things without asking him first.
I am fed up with watching the church treat my husband badly.
I am fed up with church taking over his (and hence my) entire life.

I am fed up of people asking him if I will do things.
I am fed up of not being able to say what I think in case it reflects badly on my husband.
I am fed up of not being allowed to have my own thoughts about faith.

I am fed up with not being allowed to be a person in my own right.

Feed my sheep

"Feed my sheep" is a phrase I'm only too familiar with as a pastor's wife. It's what my husband is told he's supposed to do. It's also what Jesus told Peter to do, as well as "Feed my lambs".
Oddly enough, I'd never really though much about the difference. I think I assumed it was just for the sake of variety. But it's starting to take on a different significance...

I have no farming background, so my apologies if what follows is incorrect. But I know that sometimes lambs, especially new-born ones, have to be taken into the house, kept warm, and given milk via a bottle.
Contrast this with sheep. The job there is to take them to fields of new grass. The sheep can then get on and eat it. You don't have to pull up handfuls of the stuff and give it to them a mouthful at a time. You simply get them into the right environment, and let them do the rest.

Hand-feeding is obviously labour-intensive and time-consuming. But you assume that eventually it will no longer be needed. Then all you will need to do is lead the way to a field with good pasture and safe boundaries, and, for the most part, let the sheep get on with it. Obviously if there are particular dangers or if one is injured or struggling, then you have a responsibility to intervene. But otherwise, you should be able to leave the sheep there, and go back to making sure the lambs pull through.

So how come so many people who are supposedly mature in the faith still demand to be personally bottle-fed by the pastor and complain if they're not?
How difficult is it for a sheep to learn to eat grass???

unforgiveness

Never mind 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I think I've gone about 2 miles back. It's not good being a pastor's wife who feels sick at the thought of church....
The hurt and anger against certain people and situations within the congregation are spilling over into the whole concept of "church", and worse still are spilling over onto God.
Currently, I don't want to engage with God, because that reminds me of the whole mess. I'm trying to ignore/ forget about the situation so that I can vaguely function. But it's an ongoing situation, and every time something new happens, it brings it all up.
I committed myself to following Jesus, whatever the cost. Right now, that cost is high. If I didn't take trying to imitate his life as a pattern for my own, the cost would be much less. Forgiveness does not come easy, especially when you are still hurting.
Sometimes I wish I followed a God who smites people, rather than one who, when in agony nailed to a cross, prayed for forgiveness for the perpetrators...

1 step forward, 2 back

Well, this forgiveness business seems to be a case of 1 step forward, 2 back. Just when I think things are under control and I am managing to forgive the people concerned, something happens and I realise the hurt and feeling of injustice is still there. I suppose that's inevitable given that the situation is ongoing. But it had never occurred to me before that when Jesus said to forgive 70 times 7, it might refer to a single event. That a daily decision (sometimes an hourly decision) to forgive may be required. That forgiving is an ongoing recurrent repeated decision.
Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever heard that passage preached that way. The preachers I've heard seem to think forgiveness is a one-off event, that once you forgive, you automatically forget. Therefore the forgiving 70 times 7 refers to different events.

Currently, I'm still trying to forgive a particular episode. Only another 484 times to go ;-)

Forgiveness part 2

A story..... (with apologies to Matt 18:23-28)

Once there was a king who decided to check on his servants' accounts. He had just begun to do so when one of tem was brought in who owed him millions of pounds. The servant did not have enough to pay his debt, so the king ordered him to be sold as a slave, with his wife and children and all that he had, in order to pay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before the king. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay you everything!'. The king felt sorry for him, so he forgave him the debt and let him go.
Then this man went out and met one of his fellow-servants who owed him a few pounds. 'Pay me back what you owe me,' he said.
But the other servant said 'I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't owe you anything. I don't need to make any kind of restitution to you, because there's no reason to. If you think there is, you're mistaken and it's your problem, not mine.'

so what happens next?
does the forgiven servant forgive?
do they demand justice?
do they just give up, as they're obviously not going to get anywhere, so what's the point?

Forgiveness part 1

Forgiveness has become a very important issue recently. Not just for myself, but for some of my close friends too (for different reasons).
So - are there different levels of forgiveness? Are some easier than others?

I've been thinking about this alot.
It seems that 'small' hurts are easier to forgive than 'big' hurts.
Hurts that I see as accidental are easier to forgive than those I see as deliberate.
It's easier to forgive if there's an apology (or at least an acknowledgement of the hurt).

So how do you forgive someone who has hurt you repeatedly and deeply, who will not acknowledge it, and you have to keep seeing regularly?

That is the killer question my friends and I are struggling with at present. Answers on a postcard please....

Another New Year's resolution broken...

New Year - why do I bother making resolutions when I know I'll break them? You'd think that I would have learnt by now, but no, I do the same thing every year. I don't think I've ever made it as far as February, but even so, this year's must be some kind of record. And it wasn't that difficult a resolution to keep....

And you'll think it even worse when you know what it was ....

So what was this year's resolution?

To have a 'quiet time' and read the bible every day.
What???? I don't do that already? But I'm a pastor's wife!

I know, I know.
For those of you who have no idea what I'm on about, a 'quiet time' is a time you deliberately set aside to pray and read the bible. In the evangelical circles I grew up in, it was considered essential - to the extent that it was doubtful that you were really a Christian if you didn't have one every day. It could last 5-30 minutes, and it didn't really matter if you got nothing out of it, as long as you did it.
Being a somewhat rebellious sort, I have never done this. That's not saying I haven't read the bible - I have - all of it! It's not saying I don't pray - I do, every day.

But for some reason I thought that maybe I should try reading the bible more regularly this year.
I was organised - I got a set of bible reading notes written by Jeff Lucas, whose stuff I find funny, authentic and insightful. I had my bible by my bed (although it usually lives there, gathering dust). I even managed to do the first one - which was for the whole weekend.
Then came Monday. I had an extremely demanding day at work, compounded by having a longer shift than normal (because it was a public holiday), and a drive home in the snow. So by the time I got home it was late, I was tired and bed was calling. 'Goodnight God' was the extent of my quiet time.

And so another resolution got broken....

Something new for the new year

Having been reading various blogs for a while now, I thought I might try starting one. I've no idea how this will turn out, but here goes....

First of all, apologies for being anonymous, but being identifiable would potentially cause alot of problems (not least for my husband!). So - I'm married to a minister of religion. That's something which brings its own frustrations and limitations. I'm sure these differ from denomination to denomination, but equally there must be alot of issues in common.

So I'm hoping this blog will be a space to explore some "God-stuff" and maybe even get some feedback!

Oh, and the views I express are not necessarily shared by my husband. I do actually have a brain of my own, and I'm not scared to use it ;-)